No Care and No Sorrow

3-Monday: Afternoon (Nathan)

Hiking up a hill, Henry gazed down and found a single deer. Beautiful brown skin with white spots on her haunches. Her four legs skinny, her movements graceful. She had not a single flaw in her. No scratches, no bugs. Almost like a scene from a Hallmark card or Disney cartoon. She stood in a small clearing surrounded by bushes, golden rays of sun beamed onto her. Like an animal-angel hybrid.

Henry had to be quiet as he kneeled and placed the butt of his rifle on his shoulder.

Sawyer, Dick, and Nate stood far away, but could clearly see Henry had the high ground and below him was this majestic creature.

He held his breath, finger hovering over the trigger.

Nate wanted to stop him. He knew if he did that, this whole trip could be ruined. Imagine. Getting anger from all three hunters. Mocking him. Bullying him.

"You interrupt his shot boy, and I will smack you." Dick leaned into Nate's ear whispering, putting an old hand on his shoulder. The blonde-haired man flinched at his touch. Don't touch me. Nate nearly spoke with venom. But held it in. He looked to his feet.

BANG. The shot of the rifle echoed across the forest and caused all men to startle at once.

Nate looked up from the ground to see the corpse of the deer, head bloody and tongue lolled out.

"Got her boys!" Henry laughed and clambered down the hill. Sawyer and Dick ran to the corpse, all high fiving each other.

I want to pass out. I want to leave. Ringing in my ears. Guns. Fucking scare me. Really scare me. Gotta hide it. Gotta hide the fear. Gotta stay strong. Suck it up as the old folks would say. But that animal. Died. Not for food. I see my dad, taking out his phone to take a selfie. It died for social media clout. For ego. For an asshole who doesn't give a shit about nature, animals, me or life itself.

I want to go home. Be with my books.

Henry smiled approaching Nate with a proud smirk. What an annoying smirk it was. "See that son? Cool huh?" He laughed loudly, probably scaring all the wildlife in Del Wood.

"Yeah dad. Cool." Nate refused to make eye contact as the walk back to camp began.

Dick, Sawyer and Henry all walked together, leaving Nate behind. It's like...in a way I want to be with them. Be happy. Feel like I belong. But of course, I don't belong. Not with them. It would be fake enthusiasm. Fake laughs and fake jokes. Maybe I belong somewhere...but not here. Not with these people.

More walking. Boots became untied, one of the guys stopped to pee on a tree and probably struck down an insect or two with a golden stream.

The hiking early on was fun, but now that afternoon had set in-it was hot and miserable. Everyone had water, but the humidity of Del Wood was a brutal force.

Henry even found a tick under his fingernail he had to remove.

***

The four sat around the campfire again. Flies flew around them, the insects all seemed quite big. Del Wood sure had some odd creatures.

Nate's shirt smelled, Dick's legs ached, Sawyer's belly was beginning to rumble, and Henry was munching on a mushroom he had found on the long trek back.

"Dad, should you be eating that?" Nate questioned, his body aching, reminding himself why he hated cardio.

"Shut up. I can do what I want." He munched.

"You really shouldn't question your elders, boy. Might get a smack." Commented Dick staring down Nathan. He hates my youth. Hates my brain. Silently accusing me of being part of the group known as 'alphabet people.' Those obsessed with what he dubbed 'useless pronouns.' Nate had heard Dick say things on the truck ride to camp. When he thought he wasn't listening. He heard the hate pour from his mouth effortlessly. His dad of course nodded along and laughed. He knew he would.

"He's right, dude. Shrooms can kill you." Sawyer commented. "As good as food would be right now. Can't we eat the deer?"

"Gotta skin it. Take guts out. Cook it. The snacks from the cooler didn't hold you?" Dick looked to the blue cooler which sat by him. He opened it. "Jeez you ate them all! Fat shit." Dick spoke with irritation. This wasn't a joke. This was plain rude. Plain mean.

Sawyer looked to his feet. That feeling of 'being the fat guy is depressing' set in. "Sorry. I just...get hungry. Don't call me fat. I'm serious. I'm working on it." He looked to Nate who had an air of sadness and concern.

"Well men, we had a successful trip and took some good photos. Can't wait to upload them. Shove these pics into the faces of vegan libtards." Henry smiled, finishing up what little was left of the brown mushroom, he then began to drink another beer.

Dick and Henry spoke to one another. Sawyer leaned into Nate.

"Hey man, just so you know I don't care what pronouns people use or...whatever. If you like...wanna talk to me about anything let me know? I mean...I say shit to them. And I know I shouldn't. I do it to kinda 'fit in.' But yeah...I'm working on it." It was genuine. This wasn't some joke or bullying tactic. Sawyer had barely talked to me until now. Even after a year of knowing him. He was the quietest one, aside from me on the rare times I hung with them. Come to think of it-Sawyer was never the one who bullied me. He was never the one to crack a joke or say a mean comment. Nate could tell from his eyes that he saw an air of consideration. Not the same dead expression Dick and Henry held.

"Thanks, Sawyer." Nate said softly. "It's good to know that not everyone from my small town is a bigot."

"Amen, my man. Here to hunt. Laugh. Drink beer. If you want me to call you they/them or...whatever I will. I'm serious."

For an hour, Nate forgot Dick and Henry were making jokes and they were within a circle, quite close to one another. Having light conversation with Sawyer was nice. Too bad it wasn't just the two of us. I mean, I guess we could plan that. Don't tell dad kinda deal.

I dread nighttime. That's when anxiety happens. Anxiety, depression, anger-you name it. Nighttime happens and it feels like life sucks. I don't know why it is, but it's true. Someone once told me-don't trust any decision you make after nine-o-clock at night. Smart person. Probably someone who had feelings of woe to work through.

I'll probably need to sit and keep watch while these lazy, rude bastards sleep. I bet dad will relegate it to me. Cause I'm the young one. He'll do it just to get on my nerves.

At least Sawyer can fake through it. I just stay quiet. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to make it honestly. I feel pings of anger. Pings of hate. I hope it doesn't snowball into me yelling. I really don't want to face my dad's wrath when we get home.

They chatted until the sky turned from blue to a beautiful pink. A chill went through the air and the brown trees slowly turned into long, dark shadows.

Signaling the worst was yet to come...