Monstrance Clock

Living on a prayer

Madeleine and I don't speak of that night. Well, cause of the rules. A woman and another woman should not be together. She seems to disagree with that, which is odd because it's The Lord's teachings. Though things have been a little awkward. We have not formally talked about how we both feel about it. I can't help but feeling confused. I wasn't against being with a woman. Good God, I kissed Madeleine. It doesn't feel wrong. But I'd also would be interested in kissing a man, being with a man. God what is wrong with me?! Why can't I figure it out?! I want to know already! Laying in bed and looking up at my ceiling. What is mising from me? Or... what is adding to me?

A sudden sound of a knock on my door made me flinch. I quickly sat up. Taking ahold of the shiney door handle, I opened it with a swing. There stood Madeleine looking bashful. Bouncing back and forth on the balls of her heels. Her eyes darting across the floor. Oh goodness... We haven't spoken since that night.

"Can we... talk?" Madeleine drifted her words. I held my door open for her to come inside. She walked up to my bed and laid on the covers. Her high rise veil flowing over the pillows.

"Is this about, you know?" I hinted towards the kiss. There's no point in hiding it from our own relationship. Either that be romantic or platontic. She nodded against my pillows, sitting up and leaning on her arms.

"I'm sorry if that kiss made you uncomfortable. I want to stay friends, I understand if you don't want to. I won't go past that. But we can kiss and forget." Madeleine apologized.  I have missed her.

"I wasn't uncomfortable with it I just didn't know how to look you in the eye after. I didn't know how to talk to you normally again. I think that kiss made me learn something about myself. I don't want to admit it or even feel it but I can't deny that it's there. I do want to keep being friends. I've missed you Madeleine. The smile on her face grew. She lifted herself all the way and wrapped her arms around my shoulder.

"I am so happy to hear that. I thought you hated me. I've missed you too so much. Whatever you feel, accept it. It's better than fighting it. You'll still be loved." She comforted me, swaying me back and forth on the bed gently. I let myself go in her arms wrapping my own around her body.

"It feels like this attraction isn't just about men. But women too, might be even more than that. This love for women is stronger than the others. Isn't it a sin to love the same sex?" I asked looking up at her doe eyed. If it was a sin, surely I am going to hell.

"No, it isn't. If God made you in his perfect image. Then whoever you like is perfect. Never in the Bible did it state that it was a sin. Some of the elders like to twist it. In Leviticus, it says man shall not sleep with boy. It doesn't mean being gay is a sin. It means pedophila is a sin. Jesus loves everyone unconditionally. Even if you are becoming queer, he'll still love you. They both preach to love all and hate none. It wouldn't make sense for a Catholics to hate someone based on their differences." Madeleine comforted rubbing small circles on my back. Laying her chin on my shoulder. She is right. Why can't others see that? So why do we use God's teachings as a weapon against others? If we don't use it right then we are not true Catholics. We would be missing the meaning of his lesson.

"Thank you so much for that. I am so scared that I am.. whatever this is and it won't be accepted. I still have to do my research and such. Till I can come to terms and find a name for it." I laughed off nervously.

"If it helps... I have done my research in the lgbtq community. I can help. It's not something they teach you in church." Madeleine comforted. I wouldn't expect that coming from her. But she's always had this curiosity.

"What do you know?" I asked curiously. It must be big if there's a whole community on it. It feels so good to see I'm not alone.

"Well, there's sexuality and then there's gender. Sexuality is where you feel an attraction to a person. It can be a man, a woman, or both. There's a lot of them out there. And gender is your identity. It's not just man or woman. There's other genders. It's not about your sex, it's about what you feel. What your brain wants." Madeleine explained. There's so much more out there that I don't know about. I was told all of those things were delusions that didn't exist. That people faked for attention or comfort. But it's real. I'm starting to feel a little betrayed by my church.