Hold my hand

September

Waking up, a wave of nausea washes over me. I'm up an hour and a half before my alarm, the first day back to school after the summer holidays always makes me feel this way. Joining an entirely new sixth form had been playing on my mind for weeks, the day coming ever closer, my nails getting ever shorter and my nerves reaching ever closer to breaking point.

All my secondary school friends would be going to other colleges with higher intake in the bigger city. But me, I was too scared. Scared both of the masses of people and the distance from home.

I settled into routine quickly; up early for college, sit quietly and try to be approachable all day long, come home to Harry. Then cry myself to sleep. I am obsessed by everything Harry does, he has me bewitched as he has all summer long. We spent balmy summer nights walking in the countryside and laying under the star encrusted sky dreaming of better lives. Harry is my life line and he is aware, he has control and holds my heart in his hands.

By September 10th Harry is finished with me, all the tears he wiped away. He affection and attention he bestowed upon me, wasted and memories of us soiled when he ignores me and my grovelling, hopeful messages. I hear from one of our mutual friends thar he sleeps with another girl before the week is out. Two days after Leo out friend tells me about the quick rebound I see a suggestive picture on his profile of the two together. I am crushed, but he wanted this, I know it.

College begins to suck and I quickly start to hate it, already it's coursework and all the initial fun of meeting new people has disappeared. I'm single but an absolute no hope at talking to boys that I'm new around, I want the girls to like me and playing the heart broken card is easy enough. I have never heard as many "he's a dick!" and "you deserve - hundred times better!" Girls and boys alike stick up for me over Facebook and send messages to Harry and his new 'conquest'. What was I thinking? How can a cute guy reduce me to such tears and pain after 7 weeks?

I purposefully leave my house earlier and earlier so I can walk to Harry's college bus stop as he stands there. I'm obsessed and the world can see that, but I just him to see that.

September starts to wind down, the days are still warm but the nights become harsh and mornings bring the slight coolness of autumn and the beginnings of the frost. I resign into my love of the harsh chills.