Tokki

3

Within four day’s time, a hefty Korean man introduced to me by Jeongguk as Bang PD-nim, his manager, was knocking at the hotel door and demanding entry. He was followed in by a small framed, also Korean, woman in a light gray business suit and black slacks. Neither acknowledged my presence as I sat in the far corner of the room, legs tucked under the desk.

Instead, PD-nim sat with Jeongguk on the bed and you could tell the conversation between the two was quite heated, erratic hand movements and dirty looks occasionally being thrown my way. I looked to the lady standing stoic in the doorway and considered asking if she knew what was being said but stopped short, realizing she more than likely wouldn’t understand what I was saying.  

A slight rise in octave at the end of a sentence informed me that PD-nim had just asked Jeongguk a question, to which he gave a very adamant ‘Aniyo’. The exasperated manager then turned to me and asked the same question. I was about to let him know I didn’t understand when several things happened.

One, the young lady still standing at the door began to translate for me. I only heard “PD-nim wants to know…” before Jeongguk was abruptly standing in front of me, his arms crossed in front of him, before sharply uncrossing them down to his sides.

“ANIYO!,” I heard him say, again, followed by several more words I didn’t understand. In a flash, PD-nim was up and standing in his face, a finger being pressed into his chest.

Fed the fuck up, I finally stood and pulled Jeongguk away, stepping in front of him. This was all my fault. I was the older one and I had somehow dismissed the thought that something like this could happen. I wasn’t going to sit here and let this, so-called, manager jump on my innocent bunny like this, make him feel like a terrible person because he made a stupid mistake. 

“Little girl,” PD-nim said in broken English as Jeongguk wrapped his arms around me from behind, raising my shirt and softly stroking across my belly. He had started doing this that first night and I couldn’t find it in my heart to tell him the action made me cringe every time he did it. But PD-nim saw my face as he did and quickly tilted his head in my direction, the young lady continuing with her translation of before. 

“PD-nim wants to know if you have considered an abortion as one of your options. He has offered to pay for the procedure and any medical bills that may occur thereafter,” she said in a very business-like tone tinged in a Korean accent.

I could tell Jeongguk didn’t know what the woman had said but it did explain why he was so upset about PD-nim asking me before. I looked over at PD-nim who was waiting not so patiently for me to respond to his question. I bit my lip trying to decide what answer to give him. Finally, I said ‘No.’

He threw his hands up in the air before asking me another question the lady translated as ‘And why the hell not?”

Again, I sat and contemplated my answer. I couldn't tell him the truth. That I had considered it. That I had made an appointment with the clinic and immediately went in for my initial interview. I was just going to get it done and tell Jeongguk that the baby had died, that I had had a miscarriage. He would be hurt but he would be none the wiser. 

But when I laid back on the table to confirm my pregnancy, what I saw on the grainy ultrasound screen stopped me cold. Something that Jeongguk and I had created lay there cradled in my uterus. It was the epitome of perfection in my life full of imperfections. 

I couldn’t kill that.

I also couldn’t say out loud what I had done because in the translating of my words, Jeongguk would know the truth. I couldn’t let him know that I had thought of betraying him. He would never forgive me. So I simply said I didn’t believe in such things.