Letters From A Stranger |COMPLETE|

Epilogue

-Carson-

When her body tilted that extra degree toward the water, I knew that was it. I sprinted to grab her arm, but I was too late. I watched her fall to her death, no scream to be heard. Only the muted sound of her hitting the surface of the water. There was no time for me to get upset, not at first. Without thinking, I whipped my phone out and dialed 911. Only after did I sense the overarching sadness. I bolted down the trail through the woods, fully prepared to fish her body out of the freezing water. When I spotted her, I dove into the water without a second thought.

I pulled her to land and examined her broken frame. I knew she died on impact. I knew it was my fault. Regardless, I continued with CPR until the ambulance arrived. They found me weeping over her, begging her to wake up. But she'd never return to me or this world.

The next day, I visited the hospital after talking with detectives and counselors. None of it was useful. She's dead, end of story. I can't fucking change that. Nobody can. At the hospital, I informed Haley's former art teacher that there would be no funeral and she spent the next five minutes sobbing, and mumbling about how she wish she could've stopped her from leaving. I told her it wasn't her fault, that Haley was stubborn and had her mind set well before either of us became heavily involved, even though I didn't really believe that. She told me to leave soon after.

One life gone, one life recovering from a gunshot wound that was thought to kill.

Haley's life was a mess. She had issues that ran so deep I couldn't have fixed them-at least that's what the counselors kept repeating to me. I think otherwise. I'd hoped sharing some of my dirtiest of secrets would help her see she wasn't struggling alone, but they only died with her. They served no true use.

I could've loved her. At times, I know I did. The moments we shared together were real to me, whether she believed so or not. She was so gentle. So kind. I fucked her up even more than she was already. I drove her off the deep end and I'll never forgive myself for that. Her death was my fault and I wish I could take it back. Perhaps if I'd never met her, never walked to the shittiest doorstep on the block and entered her house, she would've turned out okay in the end.

Her grave was bare. Her name was written across a slab of stone in simple, stupid fucking letters. She didn't deserve that. Damn she deserved better. Better than anything I could've given her. Love was all she really needed. I'd tried to help with that, and based on the stories I'd heard, her art teacher tried to help too. It just wasn't enough. The bad trumped the good every time. I hope Haley's guardian, Christy, rots in hell for the shit she's done. Prison isn't enough for the damage she'd caused, but I had no say in what happened to her, though I wouldn't mind if she got fed the lethal injection. I'd volunteer to poke her myself.

Sometimes when I looked at Haley, I saw myself in her eyes. In a way, she was so similar to me. Her façade may have been different: dark black hair, bruised and scarred skin, golden yellow eyes as opposed to my appearance, but internally, we were both fighting demons, some too tough to break away from. Perhaps that's what drew me to her. She didn't see me for who I appeared to be on the outside, and I didn't judge her. We saw each other for who we were, not what we were to society, and yet she left me thinking the opposite.

I often travel to the bridge. Today was one of those days. It's funny, because usually when someone dies in a significant spot, flowers and letters burst at the seams there. However here, there's no more than a single red rose, in which I brought in her memory. I wanted to place the letters here as well, mine and hers, our little story all tied up together with a few words on paper, but they were in lockup at the station. In the end, they merely served as a slap in the face to me. It was her way to reach out, her SOS. I let her into my world for a while, but retracted far too soon, law or no law. I missed her.

Rather than her enveloped feelings in scratchy script, one letter will be placed here. One she'd never read. One I'd written after she was taken by police from my house, but decided against sending. My last letter to her was shitty and a dick move. I was so angry at the time-at everyone but her-yet she received the backlash. It was her last impression of me, and I've never regretted something so much in my entire life. I failed her, and now she's gone forever. I was too late. The phrase "Speak now or forever hold your peace" has never been so relevant to me before, and I hate that it is. I didn't tell her the truth like I should have. I let it linger too long, and now I'll never get the chance.

The letter that should've been dropped in her mailbox, that should've been read by her, I now read aloud, before I fold it up and set it with the flower. Before I come to grips with her being gone forever, and somehow attempt to move on with weekly therapy sessions and anti-depressants.

The letter reads: Hey. I've been wanting to come clean about some things with you for a while now. I figured writing would be the best way to do that. I've done some things in my past that I'm not proud of, most of which you don't know about. I've forced people into things they didn't wish to do. Things no one should have to endure. My dad has done similar things, and I was afraid I was becoming someone like him, but when you came into my life, things changed. I was careful with you. I attempted to take my time but you made me feel so alive, that I just wanted to grasp that feeling so quickly and keep it. I hope you felt the same. I liked the new me, too, and I owe it to you. I do miss you here. Each time I pass the guest room, I think you're still in there sleeping. Lauren and I split up by the way. I couldn't see anyone the same when I realized how I felt when you were gone. School that Monday was hard. I nearly skipped class and drove back home. Now I wish I had, because I would've had the opportunity to spend the rest of the day with you. Of course, you would've had to be willing to skip too. I know I'll see you again though, no matter where you end up. We'll find each other. I wouldn't mind spending a huge chunk of my life with you, Haley. Really. We'll talk soon, once all of this legal shit blows over. Don't hang your head too low, it won't be long. I love you. Carson.