It's been over five days since I got here, and I still can't remember my name.
Zart said at the latest, everyone had theirs by three. So why is mine still not back?
'Maybe I'm an orphan,' I wonder aloud, sitting in the hammock, staring at the morning sky above me. Cara shakes her head. 'What makes you think that?' 'What if I was never named, had no parents to name me?' 'You really think that you've lived, what, fifteen, sixteen years without a name?' 'I don't know what kind of place there was out there. Completely likely.' 'Greenie, you're being unreasonable.' 'I don't care.' There it is, I think. Greenie. 'What if I'm just gonna be Greenie for the entire time I'm here.' 'You won't. And if you still can't remember it, we'll name you.' Cara jokes. 'What, as if I'm some sort of Glader- orphan that you've just took in?' I retort. 'The Glade's new born child we have to name.' Cara laughs. 'Not funny, dude. I'm serious.' 'Who would be your parents?' Cara wonders. 'Cara-' 'Probably Winston and Jeff. I could be your sister, Zart being the helpful older brother and all-' 'Can you please shut up.' I demand. 'Ok, ok. Look I'm gonna go get breakfast with Leo and Ben. You're not such a Greenie anymore, you can handle yourself, right?' 'Yup.' 'Ok. See you later, sis.' Cara teases as she jogs away. 'Don't die out there!' I shout carelessly. 'I won't!'
Wondering what to do with my time, I decide to make my way out of the forest to get some food. It's my last day of work trials today, and it's only working with the track hoes. Remembering that Al is a track hoe, I sigh. Why was he everywhere? Although I suppose I'm lucky. The past three days have been Al free. And I guess that's better than nothing. I'm in no rush, as per usual. Most of the time I'm just taking each day as it goes, waiting for each boring hour to end. I quite enjoy the forest anyway. Amongst the deadheads, the slammers, the shacks, the forest is the only place that seems moderately normal.
I take a small blade from my jeans. While I was with the slicers, I was looking at the knives, and whilst inspecting the smallest one, I decided to steal it, a blade the size of my hand, but big enough to do practical things with. It was a split second decision. For self defence, or... Well, I don't know. All I knew at that moment that a knife was never a bad thing to have. Whilst walking, I trip on a fallen branch and fall on my shoulder. I get up and brush down my jeans and shirt and pick up the branch, studying it before sliding the blade down the damp skin of the wood. The wood peels off, falling to the ground in a curl. I do the same again, and soon enough, I am whittling something. What is it? No idea, but probably another knife.
I wander out of the forest, get food and sit by a nearby tree. I see Cara, Ben- another runner, and Leo. According to Cara, Leo and Ben are quite the pair. Observing, I see Leo stare at Ben while he's explaining something to Cara, to which she laughs. I smile to myself. Although this place is pretty shit, it's nice to see that people aren't self- pitying. They're getting on with things, because this is how it will be for who knows how long. I watch, and decide not to go over. If I can't get people to stay away from me, I'll stay away from them. From everyone, hopefully. If people want to talk to me, I'll be polite, friendly. But I will be detached. That way no harm to come to me. I'll blend in with the background, and soon people will forget about my existence. That's who I'm going to be, I've decided. That's for the best, right?
'Hey, Greenie, you ok?' A male voice shouts. I jump, breaking from my thoughts, and look over to see Ben looking in my direction, Cara and Leo following his gaze. I nod, pursing my lips, crossing my legs and wave. Wave? Why did I do that? And am I now the silent person? I'm gonna have to get used to this Glade- socialising thing. 'Yeah, I'm fine,' I think of replying. But too much time has passed and that would just be weird. I roll my eyes at myself. Cara gestures for me to come over, and so I reluctantly get up and walk to their spot, dreading the upcoming conversation. I suppose after the incident at the first night here, I'm a bit skeptical of meeting people friends are introducing me to. 'Alright?' Cara asks. 'You haven't told anyone who you are. What's your name?' Leo asks. 'Wish I knew.' I sigh. Cara starts to tell them about the Glader- baby conversation we had earlier. 'What would you be called?' Cara wonders. 'Lavender, probably. The hair and all.' Ben guesses. I look at my hair, which happens to be a dull lilac colour. 'Oh, ha ha. Great sense of humour you've got.' I mutter sarcastically. 'Two runners here, then?' I ask. 'Thats's right. Two runners and a med jack, in case one of us sorry shanks get stung.' Ben replies. 'No idea what I'll be,' I say flatly. I look around to the Slammer, seeing the now repaired door. It's not bad for a first attempt, I must say. 'Brick nick, probably. I didn't seem to do too bad on the door. At least I hope so anyway.' I stare down at my shoes, feeling like it's my time to stop talking, and to walk away again. It's been five days, and I still feel like an outsider. My resolution to be detached? Maybe that's just what I'm meant to be.
I take out the knife and inspect it, unsure of what to do, again, running the tip of my middle finger along the blade accidentally slicing the skin, blood oozing. I quickly wipe the mark on my sleeve and rub my finger with my thumb. 'Ok... What was that?' I look up to see Cara looking at my finger, then back at me, the confusion evident on her face. 'What was what?' I ask. 'Did you just cut yourself?' Ben asks. 'Yeah. It's just a mark. Nothing to worry about.' I shrug. 'It could be something to worry about if it's not an accident.' Cara tells me. 'It doesn't hurt, really. Obviously there's a slight pain but I've felt worse.' I remember my trip in the box. The worst half hour in salvageable memory. The raw sharp pain in my throat was close to unbearable, considering I was probably choking. A small wound on my finger? Nothing close. Nothing compared to it.
'You're not gonna do it again, are you?' Cara asks. It's only that moment that it hits me. This isn't normal. People don't just cut open their skin for the hell of it. So why did I do it? I think about this for a moment, before deciding that I suddenly feel shy. I guess it's because I feel weirdly strong and confident holding the weapon. Without it, I'm weak and vulnerable. And Al and Gally have proved to me that being weak and vulnerable is something I can't afford to be. I'll stop the cuts, but it can't bring myself to throw away the knife. 'I'm gonna try but I can't promise anything.' I reply after thoughtful silence. 'Right, I'll go see if I can make myself useful somewhere.' I tell them, trying to lighten the mood, walking away towards the track hoes where I'll spend the day seeing if I can do gardening well. They probably think I'm a right idiot. Try to be normal, mate. I tell myself.
'Hey, Zart.' I say, wander clumsily towards them, arms swinging as I walk. 'Oh,' he says, surprised to see me. 'Hey...' he snaps his fingers, as if trying to remember something. 'No name yet.' I shrug. 'Oh, really?' 'Yeah.' I reply, biting my nails so the word comes out muffled and unimpressed. 'Well on the bright side I feel slightly better that I haven't forgotten someone's name.' Zart says, looking back to his work. 'Even if you did, there's that massive wall over there with names engraved on it.' I point over at what looks to be a gigantic rectangle of dry cement pasted by a few trees at the corner if the Glade. 'You know 'bout that already?' Zart asks. 'It's been five days, what do you mean 'already?' I enquire. 'Besides, I went to see it for myself.' 'Huh. Hey, do ya know if Leo's got his name on that thing?' 'Um...' I think about the time I went to see it and try to remember the names I saw engraved into the wall. George, Dan, Aiden, Alec, Wyck, Jackson, Wes... Leo. 'Yeah, his name is up there. Why?' 'It's how we keep track of everyone.' 'Why would you need to keep track?' 'I'll let you figure that out.' He says. I shrug. 'So. What do I need to do here?'
Zart gives me some basic instructions and I set to work, mind wandering back to the wall, wondering why some names had lines scored though them, wondering what everyone's story was. Who is Wyck? How did Alec find the Box journey? Who are Wes's friends? What does Jackson currently do?
Wondering when I can add a name of my own.
