Dear Faris

Introductions

Dear Faris,

  I'm riding in a car right now. I have no reason to be thinking anything. Except I think you're already dead. I feel like you died and everyone is hiding it, which is funny, because when somebody I don't like dies people want to scream to the heavens and make animatics about it, but when someone worth their weight kicks it everyone hides it away like a dead rat they don't want their wife to find.

  I first thought you died days, only a week at most, ago. It was ten in the evening and everyone was in bed but me. When my phone dinged, it just popped into my head and I haven't been able to shake it since. I feel like I'm writing to a ghostly version of you, as if you only exist inside my head at this point. It must make you sad, and it's making me sad, that the only person you're going to be remembered by is a kid from America. The only person whose life you touched is a kid from America. Sure, you have a brother and a mom (most likely), but they'll just feel sad and move on. I'm the only one who won't. Sure, other people brought merch for their kids back when it was an internet craze, but those same people have now turned on you and slandered your likeness and sent you death threats.

  At the same time, I feel guilty for only talking to you and acknowledging you specifically after your death. I wonder, do you know you died, or are you still coasting through life unaware of everyone's temporary sadness about the fact that you're not really here anymore.

  I wonder, do you like Brazil nuts? Because the other people who are in this car are eating them, as if they don't care about you. They don't, but I feel like it's rude. Personally, I hate the smell. It makes my eyes water.

  I can imagine you working on a game, eating a snack that is not Brazil nuts. It's strange, whenever I imagine you, you're the pale translucent figure that's on your website. And whenever I imagine gheppo, he's one and the same. Do you he might die after you? Would it be because of you, would he go into the road and not come back without his body? Or would it be an accident, a mistiming, an artery being cut? If you were the one shooting, would you spare him? Or would he be another nameless victim? If he were the one shooting, do you think you would survive?

  I wonder what you were thinking when you made introvert. Do you not want to talk, to be regarded as trustworthy for your silence, like the protagonist? Because if you were alive, I could get people to help you. And if it could bring you back to life, I would take that risk.

  I wonder, what happened in your life? Is it something somebody would be concerned about if you were alive, or is it standard for the area? Because if it's standard for the area, then I am sorry. Nobody would help even if you were alive.

  I'd wonder what you were studying, but it doesn't really matter. College is a scam.

  I know I'm wondering too much, but nobody really knows you and I'm not sure if anybody should.

  I'm only going to be in the car for another ten minutes, so I'm going to review the word count and post it as soon as I get home. After all, does a life exist if it's not available for all to see?

  It's boring, waiting, but I don't know what I'm waiting for. I'm not waiting for this car ride to end, but I don't want to be on a highway here forever. Maybe if you existed and I wasn't writing to a memory, it wouldn't be so boring. But maybe it would be weird if you were alive. In some ways, it's good.

  What does gheppo think of you? Autocorrect doesn't think very highly of him. It keeps insulting him. Or maybe it's insulting me. Or maybe it's insulting all of us by nature of being connected. Nobody knows except it.

  What do you think of gheppo? And who's older? I know that's probably easily searchable, but I don't feel like searching.

  Do you have any dumb traditions that started when you were kids and just never stopped? Because we have one. As you know, I'm typing this in a car, and whenever we go to this one specific spot we say hi to the Walmart and Aldi's because it means we're home. If you have any, how did it start?