SIYAH

Chapter 2 : Part 1

Roya POV

Did you ever feel like you didn't know where your life was headed? You started your journey thinking you knew your destination, but along the way, you forgot where you were going.

You recognise the way; you know how to reach your destination, but you just don't have it in yourself to do it. Suddenly, you have lost all the power inside of you. You try to regain it; you remember your goals and start fresh every day, but life always brings you back to square one. And in this continuous cycle, you slowly start to forget about where you were headed.

Now you stand in a sea of people who are moving around you, hustling, smiling, laughing, talking, and knowing what they are doing with their lives. But you are standing there between them all alone, lost.
Your eyes are empty, and your dreams are no longer the kind they used to be. So you just stand there, ambitionless, trying hard to keep yourself together.

That's what I feel these days. Lost. Tired. I don't know what to do with my life. I am living, eating, and smiling at the people around me. But I can't feel anything inside me.

I have my degree and am so close to completing it. I also have a job. So you can't say I am not doing anything, but a part of me knows this is not how I want it to be. I used to love it all. My studies, my career, my life until I lost her.

My mother.

Losing her has broken me, and I just don't know what to do with the broken pieces of myself. Should I throw them away or pick them up one by one and fix them myself?

I don't know how one does that. How does one cope with the feeling of losing one's parents? Will this ever go away? Will life ever feel normal again?

A part of me doesn't want this feeling to die down. That would mean I have forgotten her and her memories. So, I carry it around, never letting her go away from me.

Now I don't have anyone else in this world except Baba.

It's been some time since I last came to visit him. So when I got the much-needed leave from my studies, I immediately packed my bags to come visit him. He was not agreeing to let me come home. I seriously don't understand why he said that I should stay here. I miss him so much, and after Mama, we are the only ones left for each other.

We were always close to each other and enjoyed a good relationship, but it was Mama to whom I used to confide. She was like a friend to me, always listening to my nonstop nonsense talks, always helping in everything, loving me, caring for me, helping me find my dreams, and making sure that I achieve whatever I want in my life.
Baba was always busy; he is a doctor, a surgeon to be specific, and he was almost always not at home. He would have crazy work hours, and I hardly remember having him around in my free time. I am not complaining; I know he was working this hard for us to have a better life. And despite him being so busy, he always managed to make time for me and Mama. We used to go on vacations together. Life was good. Life was wonderful. Ours was a perfect family until one day it changed forever.

Even thinking about those days makes me so hurt and angry. I feel helpless and frustrated.

Anyway, ever since Mama left us, I feel my relationship with Baba has changed, or I can say he has changed, to be more specific. He has gotten more protective about me, where I am going, and who I am friends with; he never cared about these things before. Now if I don't call him two times in a day, he won't stay calm and keep on calling me or at my dorm to check if I am okay.

I don't exactly dislike this behaviour, but it's difficult to understand him sometimes. He was never like this before. Mama used to be the one who called me every day to check on me. He used to tell her to relax and let me be; he used to say "Trust your daughter and let her enjoy her life". But it's not like that anymore; nothing is like how it was before she left us all alone.
I miss her so much, and it's the same reason I don't want to come back home as often as I used to.
As for Baba losing her, it has broken him from the inside, and he is afraid to lose me as well. He does all this because he is worried about me, just like she was, and I don't protest much about it all.
Well, not all the time, alright? The random rants are normal, and I can at least voice my thoughts if he starts nagging too much.

Anyway, I am visiting him these days, and after dinner we just had one of our night tea sessions. The dinner was good. We missed Mama; it was evident from our faces. But being the way we are, we didn't share it with each other. I was feeling tired and sleepy, so we called it a night.
Just as I was heading to my room upstairs after placing the mugs in the kitchen, a loud knock came on the front door, followed by the doorbell ringing again and again. I stopped on the stairs to see who it was as Baba went to open the door.

As I mentioned, he is a surgeon and has his private clinic in the outer portion of the house, and it was normal for the people in the area to come to him for any medical emergency, even at night.

Baba went to the door and opened it. And I stayed on the stairs watching him; the corridor was dark, so I couldn't see properly who came. I was expecting that Baba would come back, get his clinic keys, and ask for me to lock the door. But this didn't happen; I kept on waiting and looking, my eyes tired from sleep.

Suddenly the slow murmurs turned into loud shouting noises, and I decided to go and check what was going on. It was late at night, almost 12:00 am, and if something was going on, I needed to be there with him.

The moment I reached the corridor, I saw him arguing with someone. This was odd, as he never used to shout like this. I looked at the person with whom he was arguing. It was a man, his face not visible in the dark.

"Baba Is everything okay?" I asked, trying to take a look at the man standing in the door frame. Upon hearing my voice, both of them stopped immediately and looked towards me. Baba's face was red with anger or, I don't know, frustration, and now he was looking nervously towards me.

"Go to your room," Baba said to me hurriedly.

"Okay, but what's going on? Are you okay? And who is this man?" I asked again.

"Just go to your room, okay?" I'll talk to you later; just leave right now." He almost shouted at me. His face was very serious now, and his tone was cold with anger. I know he never behaves like this, but something is not right. I can sense it. I tried to look at the man standing behind him, but he came and stood in front of me.

He took my arm and practically moved me backward. "Go right now," he said while pointing towards the stairs. I was confused and worried, but I still listened to him and left the corridor. I won't be going upstairs, as he said. I can't just leave him like this if he is in danger.
So I stood at the end of the stairs and waited. I was hoping everything would be fine. Oh! How wrong I was in thinking that.

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