Sad Girl Words

Wading

Mud cakes my boots

Or is it blood?

I can't tell anymore

My body aches, burning all over

I am riddled with lashes, cuts, bruises and holes

I'm supposed to be one of the lucky ones though, so I sallow my pills

My body changes slightly

a little more how I want to be

The gash in my back becomes a little shallower

a hole goes from red to white.

My body feels like lead

It's so heavy

I'm so tired.

Something behind me puts another hole in my leg

I stumble and plant my hands in the mud

or is it blood?

I still can't tell.

I look up and in the infinite distance I see my goal

the golden glimmer of hope

The shape of who I wish to be.

It's so far.

I stand again

My head pounds with the madness I've left behind

I regain my step

my feet glide through mud that is like wet cement

or is it blood?

I take another pill and try not to think about it.

Then I remember something, feel something, something before the madness.

Emotion

Actual emotion

Not some paper mask over grey slate

I remember happiness and feel it for the first time in over a decade.

Something warm runs over my arm, down my hand and falls from my grasp

It is blood

my blood

I wade through a tunnel of my own blood.

What's behind me is greedy

It wounds me almost as fast as I can heal from it

Almost

I stumble again from the pain

Grabbing the walls so I don't fall

not this time

Feeling is more a blessing than a curse

I still curse it.

I set the next step

I know the feeling will dull with time

So I move

One foot in front of the other

One step before the next.

I just need distance, I tell myself

With enough distance I can shoot back

defend myself from the past

from the pain