Thin Intentions

Her voice is like a never-ending dialogue that continuously plays in my mind. She has full control over me. My life revolves around her. Im nothing without her.

My life is so dark. I no longer see in colour, everything black and white. No inbetween. I was once a happy child, bright and bubbly. I have forgotten what happiness feels like. The only feelings my mind displays is a sense of failure, helplessness, and loneliness. I can't even remember the last time I laughed and truly meant it. Its only a painted on smile. A smile so no one catches on.

I spend a lot of my time staring in the mirror judging all my imperfections through my harshly critical lens. The fat the hangs over my pants, my thunder thighs, my flabby arms and my hideous face. Its like a circus mirror. Everyone tells me I look like a skeleton but all I see is an elephant. And I know that what she tells me to do is what I have to do, if i want to rid myself of all my imperfections. She tells me that my feelings are not directives. If I saw a hot guy obviously I wouldn't just run up to him and kiss him, and eating just because I feel like it is just as illogical. Instead I experience the temptations as an observer and wait for the moment to pass. She tells me that when I do, I will feel more in control and powerful than ever before.

Im all alone in this dark hole. Waiting for someone to throw a ladder down so i can climb out. But that would mean someone would have to hear my secret. The secret that has a complete hold over my life. Im such a bad person. I should appreciate the body I have been given, but instead I abuse it in my helpless attempts to make it perfect. Everyone close to me is oblivious as to what's going on. If they knew what I have been doing to myself id be thrown away into a padded room. It started out as a seemingly harmless plan to shed a few pounds, but spiralled into something totally dire.

I am drenched in this desire to be perfect, and she promises me that if I don't eat I will be just as perfect as the supermodels in the magazines. So of course I follow by her rules.

My parents are catching on. I'm running out of excuses as to why I push the food around my plate at dinner time rather than eating it. They no longer fall for "I'm not hungry," so I have a couple of bites and immediately disappear to the bathroom and purge before the fat seeps into my body. But the purging is taking its toll and my throat is so raw it hurts to breathe. I guess that leaves me no choice but to completely stop eating. The layers of clothes I wear to replace the fat that is rapidly wasting away, no longer hides my skeletal figure. The only thing the clothes have to offer is warmth.

I had to quit my soccer team because i'm always lethargic and all I do is sleep. My life is a shambles. Its worthless. I have nothing to give this world, so whats the point in being here? Would anyone even notice if I topped myself? From what the bullies say everyone is better off without me.

The only thing stopping me is my parents and siblings. I dont want to hurt them. I dont want them to think that they failed. It would be selfish to leave them wondering what they could've done to help me. But the reality is that no one can help me. She is too powerful, and the hold she has on me cant be broken.

She has won.

She is anorexia.