I feel lost again. I don't know who I am. I'm trying. I'm trying to do more than just exist. But it's getting harder. I've spent my whole life hiding myself from friends,family and anyone who comes into contact with me. I've tried being the chirpy girl,the goth girl, the antisocial, the joyful friend, the friend who exists to help those around her, but they aren't entirely me. I feel fractured, not completely whole. I know you're a sum of your parts but what if I don't have all of them? What if I never will? Am i just destined to feel empty? Nothing brings me joy amymore. I'm tired of trying. I'm just so tired. But I deserve it don't I? The hurt I've put my family through. I'm not good enough and I'll never be. They deserve better. Dakota* should of existed, not me. She'd make them proud, she'd be what they deserve. She'd make them happy, she wouldn't be a disappointment. Mom would be happier, dad wouldn't feel like he's just a bank, Jordan would be happy to be her brother, and I'd have peace. I wouldn't need peace. I wouldn't exist. But I'm still stuck here. And I don't know why. I try for them, I don't deserve them. Everyone deserves better than me. I don't know what to do, i dont want to be that girl that used to hurt herself just to feel something, but I also know that's not right. I don't wanna be on meds, but i know i have to be. They regulate me. But how fucked up am i that i cant even tell my emotions to the people who are closest to me?
*Dakota was my sister that was unfortunately born as a still born.
YOU ARE READING
It Gets Better; stories from an addict and finding myself through the mess.
Non-FictionHey, it's Bri. I've been through a lot during my 22 years of life. alcohol,friends ditching me, sexual assult. This is my story. These are my real diary entries from the darkest parts of my life.
