Dear Ma,
You witness me having the worst panic attack. I think it's caused all the stress that I have been holding in. All the anger and sadness that I have been bottling up. Mars tells me you're always worried bout me. That makes me just want to put a wall up and help you not worry bout me. You have so much on your plate. And can tell you've been stressed. I don't want you to carry my burden. I don't want you to carry me on your plate. You are such a great big sister. Always know what's wrong. Always know how to cheer me up. But all I do is disappoint you and others. All I do is overthink, stress , and cause people to disappoint. I can breathe half the time anymore. I can't be happy anymore. I barely feel like getting out of bed. I barely feel like doing the things I used to love. I had such a dream about what my future holds. But I'm not motivated to get there. I wish to have kids of my own but knowing how bad of a mother I would be and afraid to be in a situation like my uncle. But also afraid to be like my mother's sister , all miserable and alone. A lot goes thru my mind. Trying to please everyone. Trying to be the daughter of what my parents envision. While my grandma nags and envision me in another way ; to the point ; I'm a disappointment to her and complain about every little thing towards my mother. How i am not the proper woman and my mother just allows it . I don't do , act or look the part of a woman supposed to be . All I feel is exhausted. All I feel is hatred towards myself. All I feel is to disappear. I just work so much that I forget to have fun . I used to go out and be the life of the party. Now I just work and don't want to socialize cause i forgot how to . I am so broken that I've lost my ways , lost who I am anymore. I used to want to travel and see the world. Go on adventures. Go to Disneyland or Disney world or Disney Japan. Now I just can't wait to be 6 feet under or be cremated. I can't sleep without having a nightmare bout someone close to me in my life that gets hurt cause of me . I can't stop having weird flashbacks of certain moments that occur in my life. For example , I can't stop thinking about the fact that I might have been molested as a child . I have this scene repeating over and over again in my head of my grandpa in his bed ,laying there with his towel covering himself. As a 6 year old I am alone in his room. Then it stops there and draws blanks of what happened like if my life was a movie. After me standing there in his room as he gives me a creepy look . It goes black and I don't remember. My childhood even if i should call that. Cause I don't remember what happened when I was younger. Like I was born and then I turned 13 at a blink of an eye. I want to know what happened. I see pictures of younger me but I don't remember it happening . Isn't sad? I remember bits of pieces that happened in my life even some bad ones. Like 1st grade was the age I got my first kiss by a female. Back then each student had to take someone with them to the restroom for safety purposes. This girl chose me to take her and I said sure. We walked to the restroom, as she went into the stall. I just stood out there waiting. Just us two alone in the restroom. Then she told me to come here as if it was urgent . So I walk towards her and then next thing I know she pulls me into the stall and kisses me for who knows how long. I guess she had a thing for me or something 😅. Another flashback I had was when the neighbor boy pulled me into a closet at age 6 (when I was still in 1st grade). All I remember was he pulled me into the closet. Had my power ranger costume on. Turn me around that my back was facing him . Blacked out and next thing I know I went out of the closet ,naked and put on a different outfit. Then next thing I know it felt like a dream. Cause i don't remember what happened. It's a blur. I keep getting these weird flashbacks. I don't know if it's true. Cause all my life , I got told I was a liar or my mind just playing tricks on you. I'm just tired from my mindset. I'm struggling to feel alive. I can't have you knowing all this even tho you already know this . I can't have you know how bad it's been. Then I'm feeling weak lately. Very fatigued. Bones feeling weak. I'm always tired even if I rest . I've been feeling lightheaded lately. I felt that I was tasting blood. Have less of an appetite . Knowing that my family is known for diabetes, cancer, heart diseases, arteritis, and dementia. I know I will lose so many people . I already know I'm gonna be sick one day. I have so much bad luck . I keep fantasizing bout one day I get shot . It's bad. I say sorry to you a lot cause I know one day I won't be here . At least you know I didn't want you to be sad or mad bout me. I want you to know I'm sorry for everything and it's not yours or anyone's fault just my demons. It's sad , I have TikTok saying I'm dying in 2023 or next year. I wonder if it actually predicts my future. We see. You keep trying to make sure I eat , drink water , and stay alive. I just can't wrap my mind on why you care so much and accept me and why you told me that if i committed suicide that you would be mad at me. I don't understand. My brain can't comprehend the emotions and empathy towards me . I'm not used to it. Everyone deserts me , uses me , or throws me away. Surprised we last this long. I just don't understand how you accept me for being your little sister. You're probably never gonna see this . But I love you sis . Please forgive me in every way if I ever die in any way.
Signed , ur Lovely lil sis
