Finding My Identity

In the beginning

**********
I am standing next to the window facing outside. It's raining outside, just lightly though pools of water had already started to form on our yard. I hear a knock on the door.

"Just come in,it ain't locked"

My sister walks in and smiles. I know why so I run past her and go downstairs. He's sitted on the couch.

"Why're you here exactly?!," I ask him

"Good morning to you too, thank you for asking," he says sarcastically and smiles.

His smile vanishes as fast as it had appeared.

"What's going on Lynna?...it feels like you've been avoiding me since we closed school."

How could I tell him? How do I explain all this to him? How do you make someone understand what you don't understand yourself... I was in the dark too...

"I'm very busy Luke, so if you don't mind I'd like to get back to what I was doing... I would have walked you to the door but I'd rather not cause I know you know your way out,"...

With that I walk back upstairs feeling guilty.

                       * * * * * * * * * *

Luke and I have been friends for as long as I can remember... actually we've known each other for just four years though it was like we've known each other forever.We met in junior high school, four years ago... can you believe that in those four years we even dated but things didn't really work out so we just went back to being friends.

At one time he introduced me to one of his friends, her name was Gena. Just thinking about her made me so...aaaaargh!!

PRESENT DAY...

It had already stopped raining by the time I was done dressing up. I walk downstairs with my shoes in hand.

"I thought you left!"

"I didn't so let's go!"

I don't want to argue with him so I just put on my shoes and walk out.I can hear his feet stamping lightly on the damp ground, I walk in a slow pace so that he can catch up.We walk side by side with a wierd silence between us as we both think of what to say to each other.

"I missed you Lynna,"...

"I'm sorry about what I said in there... I've just had a lot on my mind lately, which I know it's not a valid exc..."

He pulls me in an embrace.I realize that he's changed, he's using his words less.

Then I remember Gena and I pull away. I glance at my watch, five o'clock...too early to arrive at a party. I decided to go to basketball ball court for some air.

"See you at the party Luke, I need to be somewhere right now."

I cross the road, the court was empty so I find myself a seat and allow myself a walk down memory lane...

FLASHBACK*****

Being friends with Gena was the best. We would do everything together including walking home because the bus left us almost everyday. I remember on the last day of junior high as everyone was leaving Gena and I had been in the bathroom. I was seated on the counter with the mirrors behind me. Gena was looking at me and I was just smiling, like I always did whenever she'd look at me.

"Promise me that whatever happens today you'll still come to the end year party as planned,"

I laughed at the statement wondering what would possibly stop me from showing up at the party. I stepped down from the sink and looked at her.Laughing lightly I answered...

"Of course I'll show up, but why..."

"Promise?!"

"I promise!"

She held my cheek with her right hand and...

PRESENT DAY******

I glance at my watch,six thirty already?!. I leave the court hurriedly and walk to a cafe, get myself a cup of coffee and then walk to school.I meet my gang at the entrance.

"You're late!"

"Relax Calvin,I lost track of time but I'm here now right?"

I thought Gena was coming!",Felix says.

I freeze. No one notices so I shake it off.Wierd right?!

We walk in... the gym was already packed.Twenty minutes into the party and my shirt with punch stain. I walk to the bathroom to clean up.

I hadn't noticed that someone had walked in after me until...

"Need some help cleaning that up or you good?!"

I turn,Gena was standing right infront of me. I didn't know how to react,my heart was beating fast and I starting to feel cold.

"Hey, hey, relax and come here,"

I rush forward and hug her. Then remember what happened the last time we were in a bathroom together and pull away from the embrace. She laughs, she probably knew what I was thinking.
I look at her, hoping she'd read my expression and I won't have to say anything.

"Gena I... I'm still not sure about it, I..."

She presses her lips on mine.I don't pull back like I did last time but instead, I kissed her back.

Gena: I hope that's enough to convince you...
Lynna: No, just because I kissed you back doesn't
       mean I'm...
Gena: Why did you kiss me Lee?!
Lynna: I don't know Gena. All I know is that you              make me have the wierdest dreams ever, and      they're all complete torture. I kissed you back because it felt right!!!
Gena: And after all that you still don't want to accept it?!
Lynna: Right now I just hope that I don't regret what I'm about to do.

I give her a kiss, light at first,then I remember that regret should never be about something stupid so I go in hard. The exact same way she'd done before, with demon-driven lust. I didn't want to accept it before but this kiss had been the lock to one door and a key to another. That I found out later... much later.