The Taming of the Pineapple

[Enter the Merchant of Death, a sinister-looking figure in a black cloak. He is carrying a latex glove.]

Merchant of Death:
I am the Merchant of Death, and I have come to sell you my wares. I have poisons that can kill in an instant, diseases that will ravage your body, and weapons that will destroy your enemies.

[He holds up the latex glove.]

And this, my friends, is my most prized possession. This is a latex glove, and it is the key to taming the pineapple.

[The audience laughs.]

Yes, I know what you're thinking. A latex glove? How can that possibly tame a pineapple?

[He puts on the latex glove.]

Well, it's all in the technique. You see, when you put on a latex glove, you create a barrier between yourself and the pineapple. This barrier protects you from the pineapple's sharp thorns and its poisonous juices.

[He reaches into a bag and pulls out a pineapple.]

Now, watch closely.

[He gently places the pineapple in the latex glove.]

See? The pineapple is now harmless. I can hold it without fear of being injured.

[He takes the pineapple out of the glove and holds it up for the audience to see.]

Now, I am going to tame this pineapple.

[He speaks to the pineapple in a soothing voice.]

There, there, little pineapple. Don't be afraid. I'm not going to hurt you.

[He strokes the pineapple's leaves.]

See? I'm not so bad, am I?

[The pineapple seems to relax.]

Good. Now, let's get you to bed.

[He puts the pineapple back in the glove and puts it away.]

And there you have it. The pineapple is now tame.

[The audience applauds.]

Thank you, thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed my little demonstration.

[He bows.]

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some other business to attend to.

[He exits.]