But I love you.

Part 11

||PART 11||
How do you describe a first kiss? I think it is like trying to hold water in your hands. My old roommate in college once told me that kissing is like drinking salted water - you drink, and your thirst increases.
Is that what is happening to me? As kisses go, that was my first real one and as real kisses go, that felt life changingly good - took my whole life in a full round on the roller-coaster, but, but.. there is something missing and I cannot really place my finger on it. I look at my saree neatly folded on the dresser with a smile. I think I am going to go to it in my times of need. I am changed into a white evening dress and I walk out into the bedroom.
He was waiting by the door. "Shall we?" he sees me and opens the door.
"Yeah, in a second." I tell him avoiding his long gaze.
I need something. What do I need? "Your flip-flops are over here." He tells me.
Ofcourse. I go and put them on. "You you have the key card with you?" he asks.
"Yeah. I did." Where did I keep it?
Ok, Manvi, relax - this is simple and mechanical. Where did you put the keycard? I try to focus, Virat looks around for it with me. I spot it, but while walking to it, I tumble over the coffee table and I almost hit the ground. But he holds me.
"Hey. Relax. Since when are you so accident prone?" He holds my hand and takes the keycard. "Let's go." He says walking out, still holding my hand - as if I am going to stumble on something else if he doesn't hold me. Jeez! Am I that transparent? Get a grip over yourself Manvi. Look at the dude. He looks as cool as a cucumber. It is just another day for him and probably just another kiss. Maybe he didn't like it. Maybe it was better with Simmi.
I.am.going.crazy.
"You are turning red. What is it?" he asks me in the elevator. How does he always manage to know?
"Nothing" I am still unable to look at him.
"Nothing?"
"None whatsoever." I tell him crisply and pull my hand back from his.
"I will give you a thousand bucks to tell me what you are thinking about." He says with a small smile.
"No thank you." I look away.
"That's okay. I have another strategy."
I look at him with a question mark face.
"I will just wait for you to fall asleep and then all the secrets come out - like fireworks in the sky." He whispers in my ear and we arrive at our destination.
He holds my hand again and walks out.
I..I..I am at a loss again. I wail inwardly. This is never going to stop.
I decide to put my brain-to-mouth filter on high alert - atleast it works for me - somewhat - while I am awake. I have no power to control it while I am asleep anyways. So effectively I shut the hell up. We are sitting at the bar as the restaurant was closed and there was an old couple by a large piano in the corner of the room. The old man was playing and lady was leaning onto the stand and listening to him intently. I noticed Virat was looking at him and he was gently tapping his feet.
"I always knew you had a thing for elderly people." I told him digging into my sandwich.
"I have more than a thing for younger people." He gives me a half-smile.
"People?"
"Girls..pretty girls." He says looking into my eyes and touching my cheek with his thumb.
Wow!! He really knows how to charm a girl. I smile and he smiles too.
"Can you play?" I ask him, looking at the old couple again, just to steer the conversation away from me.
"As a matter of fact, yes. I was pretty good at it. But, I lost interest."
"How can you just lose interest?"
"I just did." He shrugged.
The bartender came with a large glass of red wine. I look at it suspiciously.
"That's for me" he says.
"Is it now?" I look at him shocked. Not very long ago, he gave a full blown speech about drinking and dancing and now look at him enjoying his wine!
"Like it?" I glare, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Don't look at me like that. It is all about knowing your limits. You will never find me throwing up because I had more alcohol than I could handle." He retorts back at me seriously.
"Just food?"
Right back at you Viratji!
He smiles. "That's not fair. That was just bad food. I didn't know."
"Hey quick question. How do you mark your boundary without grazing through the whole spectrum?" I ask him.
"Sometimes a testing the waters is more than enough to know how deep the sea is." He says taking a long sip, looking at me, and his eyes linger at my lips.
And why do I feel like we are not talking about wine anymore?
My heart skips a beat. There is something wrong with the mechanics of my heart - today, it is just haywire and thumping out of my chest. I look at my food and I don't feel like eating it. I pick the lettuce out and take small bites off it.
"Would you like to dance with me young lady?" the old man who was playing the piano comes and asks me. I smile at him widely. I look at his girl - she is resting on the couch, she looked really worn out but she was smiling at us.
"Her legs are weak and she doesn't mind - she lets me have my fun." He winks at me. Aww!! They are so cute!
I look at Viratji. He smiles at him. "No funny business." he warns the old man playfully as I give him my hand.
"Oh, no, no, no." The old man shakes his head seriously.
I shake my head at their silliness.
I stagger upto the center. The area was really deserted with a couple of business people burning the midnight oil and another couple apart from us both just having some nice quiet time. I put my hand on the old man's shoulder and he takes my hand in his, moving to and fro on his tired legs. I was looking at Viratji though and he at me. He walks over to the piano with his glass and puts it over the board.
He starts playing. River flows in you
He starts playing a soft, melodious tune. It was hauntingly beautiful.
"The kid is really good." The old man tells me.
"He is." I exclaim. Listening to him play, I feel like there is this huge tide of an unknown emotion move my soul. It was so passionate, but at the same time, very melancholic - It was like there was this beautiful painting but it was glazed with a shimmer of sadness. He looks at me and smiles. It tugs my heart. He is scared - of what? I walk to him and sit beside him. I kept looking at him as his long fingers danced on the piano in the world's most beautiful song. I leaned my head on his shoulder and drifted into heaven. I think it even gave strength to the old lady, they were dancing and I look at them in awe. There were old and time had etched their journey on their skin but they were still madly in love and they looked so divine. I wish me and Viratji could be like that even when we are both that old.
Everybody started clapping standing, as Virat stood up after the song . I look at him amazed. He smiles and shakes his head. He took my hand and dragged me out of there. "Enough of dancing with old people" he said.
~~~
Virat's POV:
Me and Manvi were walking on the beach, barefoot in the wet sand - the ocean waves kissing our feet gently every now and then. She was taking slow and steady steps. None of us really talking much.
"Being quiet really doesn't suit you." I tell her.
"That was amazing." She finally says.
"The song?"
"Yeah."
"Thanks" I smiles.
"How come I never heard you before?"
I don't feel like saying these things but I have to, I need to make an effort. I need to able to able to talk to her. "I used to play for Simmi." I tell her watching her reaction carefully. She seemed indifferent. "But after her, well, let's just say, a lot of things left my life apart from her,"
"Are you ever going to get over her?" she asks with an angry calmness.
"I don't know. All I know is, she was not good for me. However good it seems like it should have been between us both, it really was not. And as much as I hate to admit it, my life got train-wrecked because of all the drama and it took me a whole lot of effort to build it back. But, I do appreciate one thing she did."
"What?"
"Her leaving me. She never really loved me so it was good thing to have called the whole thing off. Otherwise, maybe the damage could have been worse."
She is silent.
"I need you to talk to me Mannu. Not just about random stuff, but stuff that goes on in your head. You don't give much away when it comes to how you feel and what you expect."
"I gave a f**king list about what I expect."
"Exactly, ideally, I should just know these stuff, and you should be able to tell me, as and when you feel something. I don't think you communicate very well."
"Says Mr.Introvert of the year."
"Right? Ok, let's talk about you. Why did you really want to get married to me?"
"Because I like you."
"No Mannu. Are you telling me that a fun and outgoing person like you has not found a nice young man for yourself? Why me? Why all the baggage?"
"I will tell you if you promise to wear cotton plugs in your ears after I sleep."
"See, every serious thing, you blow off. How am I going to get to know the real you?"
"This is the real me. What you see is what you get."
I smile and kiss her hand. "Well, I like what I see. But, I need to know what this pretty face is thinking in this twisted head." I tap her forehead.
"Are you saying I am pretty?"
She is distracting me. "Mannu!"
"Fine okay. Jeez, God! The talking. Okay!! Well, there was only one guy that I ever liked on this planet. That is other than you ofcourse. I mean I already knew you when I met him but you were with my sister.."
"FOCUS"
"Ok. So Varun was his name and I kinda liked him, he was smart as hell and he was my boss. He was extremely good at what he did. He used to flirt with me too. We became good friends and I hung out with him a few times. That was it."
"That was it?"
"Yep. Pretty much."
"What happened?"
"Nothing happened. He tried to kiss me and kicked him in his groin. End of story."
"What?" I stopped and looked at her shocked. "Why did you kick him?" Seriously, I am just glad my insides are safe right now. What the hell is wrong with her?
"I don't know. I didn't expect it and it didn't feel right."
"Ahaan?" "So us? Back there in our suite? That felt right?"
"I guess." She strolled past me blushing.
I hold her hand and pull her back. "Tell me."
"Yes. It felt right. Do you want a signed and notarized copy?"
"Mannu, if I have you let you into my life, I will have to let you in on a lot of things which are not pretty. I don't want all those complications for you. I need to know when things get heavy for you. You need to be able to talk freely with me."
"I don't usually see problems, I see solutions."
"That's my problem right there. You will become so tangled up in all my shit and you will not even realize it. Your smile and your happiness mean a lot to me Mannu. Your parents trusted me immensely when they got you married to me - that I will take care of you, keep you happy. If there is anything that I cannot bear at this point in my life, it is seeing you hurt and I will never ever forgive myself if anything related to me or my past makes you cry even a single drop of tear."
"Why do keep treating me like a kid? Marrying you was one of the most sensible decisions I ever made. I haven't regretted it even for a second. Maybe your life was messed up but you are the opposite of messed up; you are the most amazing guy I have ever met. I don't care about the rest. No relationship is easy - that's all I know and I know you will never hurt me."
Why Mannu? Why do you want all my pain? I look at her face and she looks so confused. I take both her hands and put them on my shoulders. How do I explain her my dilemma? I take a deep breath. "You are like a freshly opened rose in the dawn baby and whenever I touch you, I feel like a thorn - stinging you. I feel like you are too soft to handle my messed up life."
"I just feel all tingly when you touch me." She whispers shrugging and looking away smiling.
I look at her beautiful face and I just cannot help getting lost in all that charm and freshness. She is like the rain on the desert island that I am. When she is showering all this affection on me, do I just start breathing in all that life or stand my ground and say 'Rain, rain go away'?
"What am I going to do with you Manvi?" I sigh.
"How about you stop being scared for me?" she says coming closer, putting her hands around my neck. She tips up her toes and her lips touch mine softly and tenderly. I close my eyes and absorb her warmth. My lips automatically respond to her, it is like an inner calling - soul to soul, and I kiss her back equally softly. I hug her in a tight embrace and deepen the kiss a little. It starts raining.
"Wooow!!" she pulls apart and screams. "Viratji, it is raining - just like in movies."
I smile at her silliness. She has her hands held out and she is revolving around in the sand.
"Viratji, you know what I always wanted to do?"
"Why am I scared to ask?"
"I always wanted to just lie down in the rain and sleep, chatting with someone."
"Erm Mannu..I am not that someone. I am going back inside and if you have any sanity remaining inside your little head, you will come with me."
"Okay. GO" she threatens me.
There is only one option left to me.
"YOU ARE NOT CARRYING ME AGAIN LIKE THAT." She points her finger at me.
"No?"
"Viratji, I am going to run."
I plunge towards her and she makes a run away from me. I however, proudly, have much longer legs. I lift her up with both my hands around her waist and stop her. "Okay fine, I will go with you. I will go." She agrees.
I look at her suspiciously and let her go putting my hand over her shoulder. She puts her hand up over my shoulder too, with great difficulty as she is much smaller than I am. I laugh. But then I quickly realize her game, she puts a fistful of sand in my shirt.
"Mannu, you are so dead." She is running away and this time she is fast. After a fierce race, I manage to catch her and put her down and I am trying to return the favor. She is squirming and squeaking in my arms. She is on the ground, in the sand and I am over her. "Viratji, pleaseee. No!!!!!!!!"
Manvi's POV:
Dj vu comes close to describing what was happening to me right now. I have been here, I have done this and I have actually seen this happening to me - in my dream. He is panting and trying to catch his breath holding me down, in the sand, in a beach, by the water. We are looking at each other and I know if it was some other time, I would have done things to get back at him but now, all my greedy mind wants is a repetition. And it happens - he looks into my eyes with the exact same smoldering look and he slowly leans in and takes my lips in a kiss that fires up all my synapses. He pulls me over him rolling over - lest I get crushed under. His mouth is on my mouth and his tongue explores every nook and corner of my mouth. He raises up without letting me go and I am straddling him - both the legs around his hips. He kisses my chin and then my throat and around my neck as I moan throwing my head back. I feel a deep seated ache in me. I am craving for more. I am flushed and hot while drenching in rain. One of his hands is cupping my face and the other travelling up and down my back. He looks at me as I collapse in his sweet and passionate embrace. He kisses the tip of my nose smiling.
"Eskimo-ish." I whisper.
"What?" he asks me curiously.
"That kiss with the nose is an Eskimo kiss."
"You seem to be quite the master in kinds and types." Pristine drops of water were washing all our reservations away.
"Is that an accusation. That was my...fourth kiss to be exact."
"Really?" he looks at me shocked. I move and sit beside him and lie down on the sand. He lies down beside me but, raises himself up on his elbow looking into my eyes.
"So after you busted this Varun guy, nobody ever dared to venture even in your near surroundings I am guessing."
"Aur kya?" I giggle.
He looks at me sweetly tracing my face with his fingers.
"I felt like that kiss number two was my first real kiss." He smiled a shy smile.
"What?" I sit up.
"What do you mean? Didn't you and Simmi?"
"Simmi who?" he smiles a soft smile.
"I am confused."
"Well, It wasn't my first kiss, but it was the first kiss that matters: the first kiss with someone who matters." he smiles touching my nose with his nose.
Awww!
"That is so sweet Viratji." How can he say such things and tell me that he can only give me pain? I put my hands around his neck and kiss his cheek. "I never thought I will get such a handsome and sweet husband - even in my wildest dreams." I tell him as he gets up and pulls me up.
"I never though I will get such a sexy and young wife - who when not jumping around acting mental - is pretty wonderful." He says.
"You called me sexy!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Why do you repeat everything I say Mannu? I also said young, I also said mental - you have the problem of selective hearing."
"So do you - you never heard sexy. And I am not that young; mental - I can agree, partly. But, that's a part of my charm." We were walking towards our suite.
"You are five years younger than me baby. That is pretty young."
"That's fairly normal. My grandmother was eleven years younger than my granddad. Now, that is young."
"You really abuse the power of positivity Mannu."
I giggle. I am walking around him and suddenly climb up on his back. "Mannu, I am going to really do something nasty if I feel anymore sand in my shirt."
"Is that a threat?"
"It is..." so we kept bantering stupid stuff and it was 1 AM by the time we changed and got ready for bed. He was lying down on the couch and I object, STRONGLY. "Viratji, please atleast now, don't stay so far away. I don't want to sleep alone and I need to cuddle."
He throws me a pillow.
I glare at him.
He gets up and takes me to bed and tucks me in tightly. As if I will escape from one of the crevices, if it was not tight enough. "Goodnight Mannu."
I hold his hand and stop him.
He places a soft kiss on my lips. He stays there for a few seconds like that, lingering. "Don't go." I urge. But he moves away. "Baby, a guy doesn't just cuddle. He would want more." He whispers and goes back to his abode - the stupid couch. One of these days, I am going to break it.
I close my eyes reliving all my sweet and sexy memories.
I wonder how 'more' would be like?
~~~