Your hand in mine

Season 3 - 7

Y/n decides they are in dire need of a break - and calories - after going through such heavy emotional experience. Jennie doesn't object one bit. Especially when Y/n passes by the whole grain bread that she keeps mostly for Y/n's benefit anyway. "If we're making French toast," she announces, "we're gonna make it right."

Jennie honestly doesn't care if Y/n serves her an empty plate as long as she stays with her like this. Smiling like this. Joking like this. Looking at her like this, with calm, muted adoration that feels -- confident. Whole. Just like her.

"Aren't you going to help me?" Y/n asks, one eyebrow raised teasingly as she glances at her.

Jennie pretends to think about it. "I'm good." She barely manages to catch the towel Y/n throws at her, laughing. "Really? Resorting to domestic abuse?"

At that, Y/n scoffs. "You haven't seen anything yet. That was nothing," she says, pointing at Jennie with a spatula. Jennie hums.

"Maybe you could... educate me sometime," she tells her, coming up to Y/n and leaning against the counter while she watches her whip the eggs. Y/n doesn't falter as she replies with an amused chuckle.

"Is that your delicate way of asking me to punish you?" She flashes an exaggerated suggestive smirk, and Jennie is about to response, but the smile quickly fades as Y/n drops her gaze to the bowl in front of her, slowing her movements down until she's completely still. The suddenly tense silence falls over them. And Jennie -- Jennie doesn't know how to break it.

They may have made it out, but not without scars. Each one different - each one still painful.

"It's not like..." Y/n's lips twitch in a brief, sad smile. "I think I've made a great contribution as it is." She sharply snaps her head up to look at Jennie again when she reaches out and lightly touches her arm, but other than that, she doesn't move.

Jennie doesn't speak right away. For a moment, she allows herself to enjoy the feeling of Y/n's skin. "I don't think you realized that's what you were doing. Honestly..." She raises her hand to sofly cup Y/n's cheek, ensuring she doesn't turn away as she stares her in the eye. "I don't think that's what you were doing."

"But it was," Y/n says quietly. "Your letters -- they took me back to that time, and I -- I wanted to hurt you, Jennie." She reaches up to place her hand on Jennie's that's caressing her cheek, and closes her eyes for a second. "I wanted to cause you pain. As much pain as you caused me. More, even."

Jennie tries to swallow the bitter lump in her throat. She takes a deep breath, to try and calm herself down. To think rationally. She had plenty of time to do that before. She wants Y/n to do that now. "Okay," she says slowly. "Okay. And what did you do to retaliate?"

At that Y/n blinks. Frowns. "I..."

When it's clear she's not going to continue, Jennie speaks again. "When we had sex," she pauses, thinking of a way to phrase her question better. "Did you think of it as punishment? Were you so detached intentionally?"

Y/n's eyes flash. "No," she says. "I didn't think about it. I just couldn't... I couldn't stay away," she finishes quietly. Her fingers curl around Jennie's, and Jennie lets her take her hand off her cheek, smiling when Y/n doesn't let go.

She takes another deep breath. "And when you didn't let me touch you," she says, softly, slowly, "did you think of it as punishment?"

It takes Y/n a bit longer to reply. "No. I was... too hurt to let you do that. I was -- afraid."

Jennie nods. "And when you wouldn't talk to me, or stay with me," she thought the reminder wouldn't hurt this much after all the progress they've had, but it still does, and she struggles not to let tears fall. But Y/n gets closer to her, and smoothes a thumb over her cheekbone before resting her forehead against hers, as if telling her that it was okay. That she should let go. And so she does, feeling them slowly slide down her face. "When you didn't want anything to do with me - did you think of it as punishment?"