Archer's List

Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Five:

The Leftover Snow

The geysers were as cool as I thought they would be. My heart wasn't in it, but Layia was having so much fun mimicking them and dancing around that I couldn't help but smile. Before we head back to the hotel Layia, Dad, and Aimee all run to the washroom. I follow Mom to the car. She pats her pockets.

"Looks like your dad has the keys," she says, brushing a long strand of hair from her face. "We'll have to wait until they get back."

I lean against the car, and she does the same. "Archer would've loved this place."

"No he wouldn't."

I look over at Mom, a little surprised. She laughs, but it lacks enough humour to sustain it for long. "Archer loved travel. This place is nice, and I think he would've liked to see it once, but he would have wished to be out of Canada."

I stare out at the parking lot, and the field beyond it. Snow dusts the tops of the farmer's sprouting crops. Mom sighs.

A thought occurs to me, not the first time. But today I feel brave enough to ask. "Mom, do you ever regret... do you ever feel sad, that you can't have kids?"

Mom stops picking at her nails, adding a new stillness to the air between us. I look over to gauge her reaction. She's staring at the floor.

"Sorry," I say.

"How long have you known?" Mom's voice is quiet and resigned.

I shift my weight awkwardly. "I overheard you and Dad talking once. I was seven? Maybe nine?"

She shakes her head, laughing quietly. "All this time?" It's a question I know she isn't looking for an answer too. The wind blows through the parking lot, ruffling the fur on her hood. Only my mom would wear a parka in April. She straightens her back, and then looks over at me. "No."

"Huh?"

"The answer to your question is no. I have no regrets."

I blink at her. She steps closer to me, and gently touches my cheek. "I wouldn't trade you for the world. Not you, not Aimee, not Layia, and not Archer."

"But..." I know I shouldn't say this, but I can't stop the words from slipping out of my mouth. "Maybe if you could have kids, you wouldn't have adopted Archer, and Archer would... he would still be alive."

I know those weren't words I should have said. I should apologize, but I can't shake away the thought. Mom doesn't seem angry though. She strokes my hair gently.

"Don't think that way Chrissy." She places both hands on my head, and kisses my forehead. "There's too many what-ifs. What if I hadn't adopted Archer. What if Archer hadn't gone on that trip. What if, what if, what if... but you forget what we lose with those what ifs. What if we hadn't had Archer in our lives? What if we wasn't a part of this family?"

Tears shine in her eyes, and I think they're in mine too. "I would hate that."

"Me too." She smiles, and one tear runs down her cheek. "Me too, darling."

I stare at my Mom, and for the first time in a long time, her smile washes over me, bringing comfort to my soul. Everything suddenly feels a little easier.

I smile back. Her skin looks brighter than usual, and her shoulders less tense. I hadn't realized how much stress my mother was showing until now. Knowing her, and how she only shows about a tenth of the stress she feels, makes me wonder how much she's been struggling these past few months.

****

The car ride to the hotel feels long. Layia's fallen asleep by some miracle, and Aimee has earbuds in and is staring out the window. Dad and Mom keep exchanging looks. I wait for them to start the conversation.

"I think you should retake your high school classes," Dad finally says. "I know you might not want to, but if you want to get into college or university you'll need them."

I stare out the window. "I don't think I'll do any better."

I can feel Mom's gaze on me. "Chrissy, don't you still want to go to university? You've always wanted to go. You have the brains for it."

She's right. It's been mine (and her) dream since forever. I've always thought higher academics were for me... "But..."

"But?" Dad prompts.

"But you saw my grades. I don't think I'll be accepted anywhere."

Mom twists her neck to look at me, and I meet her gaze. "But it's worth it to try. And Chrissy, I'm honestly not sure if you can graduate this year. You need to at least do that."

I stay silent.

"Please Chrissy. We can get you a tutor. Dad and I were also thinking..." Mom trails off, looking at Dad. "We were thinking about you going to therapy. Maybe Aimee, and Layia too."

I look over at Aimee, and notice that one of her earbuds is out. Her expression remains neutral as her eyes stay locked on the window.

Therapy. Do I need therapy?

Dad looks at me through the rearview mirror as he keeps the car steady in the right lane. "I know it might seem... hard, at first, but think of it like an injury. You get surgery to repair an organ, just like you get therapy to heal your mind. It's something we all have to go through, in everyone's own way."

"Will... it be up to me?" I drop my eyes to my lap. "Like, if I don't like it, I don't have to keep going?"

Mom looks at Dad. "Yes, we can do that. But I do think this will be good for you. Obviously we haven't been able to help you enough." Mom turns forward in her seat, clasping her hands in her lap.

I learn forward and rest a hand on her shoulder. The words of what I want to say escape me. Instead, I squeeze my mom's shoulder, and look at Dad through the rearview mirror, and say, "I love you."

"I love you, too," Mom says. She reaches up to pat my hand. "So, what do you say?"

The hand by my side feels shaky, but the hand grasping my mother's shoulder is solid. Even if I have nothing, I have my parents. "I'll do it."