Phone Guy Dave AU (working title)

Chapter 2: Ground Rules

"Before we go any further we- we need to establish ground rules." Jack says as his phone continues to clean the restaurant.

"Ground rules? Sir we don't need ground rules. I've worked at 2284 restaurants, I know what I'm supposed to be doing."

"Yes yes I know about your... errr... body count???"

"SIR! DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT THAT WAY!!!" Dave says in a manner that is DEFINITELY the most flustered he'd ever heard from the Scott voice box. But then again he didn't usually go around flirting with phones... usually.

"Ok uhhh... your... Dave I don't know what else to call it."

"Who? Uhmmm... look I don't know who Dave is but it's normally called "work experience"."

Jack snaps his fingers. "Right right... I'm a little high right now."

"Sir, not to be rude, but you seem to be the single worst owner I've ever had the displeasure of interacting with, and I've known you for an hour."

"Aaaaaanyway... ground rules! Yep!"

"I... alright."

"Rule number 1, I'm not your boss, I'm your friend-"

"With all due respect sir, which is none, I've heard that one before, and it makes me like you less."

"You know, you're a really rude phone... that the weird shit the website mentioned?"

"Ah no that would be referring to the fact I plan in advance for springlock incidents and pick phones for my employees."

"Well... that's..."

"It's just a matter of getting on top of the problem before it occurs. It's a good manager thing. I don't understand why people are so unsettled."

"Yeah I think it's because you're implying that their death and subsequent phonification is inevitable."

"It is."

"Okay yeah... I get it now."

"The restaurant is all clean sir, what should I do now?"

"Ok, rule two: No factory, we do not send people to the factory."

"Well that's stupid."

"I think it's a crime against humanity."

"I think it's a wonderful gift and your restaurant will fail."

"Wow... you are... not pulling any punches."

"I may be a VERY good manager sir, but I will never respect or listen to an owner who I think is a moron."

"Oookay... rule 3, no bandages?"

"So I'm going to get injured a lot and can't cover the wounds?"

"No I mean like THIS. You're covered in bandages for no reason."

"I have a skin condition."

"It has never, and will never cause you harm."

"I'm purple."

"And?"

"Customers don't like it."

"Trust me, any customer here is too high to care."

"This is a FAMILY restaurant."

"And?"

"Are you implying the kids will be-"

"Yes."

"...You are a horrible location owner I regret marketing my services as free."

"You'll be paid."

"Thank god, then we'll have an actual BUDGET."

"Rule... whatever we're on... call me Jack."

"I will not."

"Wh- why?"

"It's unprofessional."

"I... it just makes me so uncomfortable to be called sir..."

"...Do you have a last name."

"Uhhh... Kennedy."

"I will call you Mr Kennedy, is the matter sorted?"

"I... sure."

"Good. Now may I get back to wor-"

"One final thing... Uhhh... I'll be calling you Dave."

(The next few chapters will be a little lighter to set shit up before the real story begins)