Blue Skies Before Disaster

Hidden pain in Eden

I put my shoes on and leave the keys in the house on purpose. As I start running to the port, I can feel the fresh air hit my face. Taking the route I always take while trying to put my jacket on rashly. People don't seem panicked at all, but I feel like my heart is gonna pop out of my ribcage. I plead to the hope that it is all gonna be okay. The sky's as blue as the color blue out of an acrylic paint tube; I feel scared to look straight up, but as I try to cross the road, I tilt my head up and see the sky as my heartbeat gets faster, and faster, and faster. It is beautiful. I continue running down to the center of the city, with my only destination the port. After running for what felt like hours, I made it there in time. What am I doing here? Where and who am I? I question the second I peer to look at the reflective water. Ah yes, I remember now, I am a burden amongst the reliefs, a problem amongst the solutions and the answers, a demon amongst the angels. And I wonder: Is that really the me I know or the me they know me as? I kneel and sit down on the sidewalk that the boats are tied to. Once in a while I feel the water collide with my favorite jeans. Taking a deep breath feels like breathing in toxic air. My throat is dry and yet that is not the reason for the pain that is taking over my consciousness.

I look straight ahead into the vast blue waters and I think about everything I have. This is not the real world, but my world of comfortness, though it came to a place and time where even here I feel pain. I stare at the waves that start getting bigger each second that goes by. Hmm, yes, my brain is being flooded with far too many horrors, pains and worries. It is too late to even do anything. I take one more deep breath in but this time I do not exhale. I let myself be dragged into the storm and I feel like this is the end. Who knew this would be relieving for a person like me. I did. I feel like my whole body is at peace, but in the back of my head, I know, it is causing a lot of pain for me in the real world. Even though I am "drowning" I can breathe.

I feel like my heart has already left my ribcage, probably got lost in the deep and wide waters. Well, as this is the distraction that leads to my last and ending fall, then I shall enjoy these last few moments alone. I say, and tears leave my eyes, but I can't feel them. They are one with the water surrounding me. My worries have overtaken and devoured me whole, the beautiful blue sky is far gone out of my view. It hurts, now that all the good things, being represented by the blue skies, are gone. Help, someone tell me that this end is not as painful as it feels, tell me doves will rush for my rescue. My thoughts are so loudly screaming that I feel this ache all over my body. Such a chaotic catastrophe, wanting to be relieved and yet it feels worse now. Is this what people feel when they come to an end? Is that what people with weights on their shoulders, like me, end? It is too late. I try to confront myself, though it is no use.

Focus on breathing, please try to escape. I hear my godfather's voice say and as I do, I start to fall even deeper into the deep end. My mind goes black and I now want to be buried six feet under. I try to hold on tight for whatever comes next, but nothing comes. It is the same thing for the next few minutes.

That is until I feel something that hugs me from in front of me. I try to open my eyes but nothing happens. I suppose someone's will still wants me saved, but I just push back the force. Even though I was just now asking for help, I know that this pain is nothing compared to what I felt in the real world. I do not want to go back. I will take this torturous pain over any chance of going back. And as another tear leaves my eyes, my thoughts disappear and I fall unconscious.

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"This can't be Robert. She is fine, there's no other possibility." I hear someone say from afar. Mom? Where am I? I can't feel or hear anything but my mom's crying. It feels taunting, makes me question my actions. Did my actions hurt the ones I love? I'd rather never know. I thought mom would have reached out to me in the past. I mean come on. I was fading out of reality in front of her. I try once more to open my eyes. I had enough strength to open a crack and get a small view of where I was. I was in my room, but even in that tiring and exhausting state I was in, I felt a sad atmosphere, as if mourning someone. I try to open my eyes more, then I hear someone else talk. ¨Don't worry Martha, she'll be fine... I hope so...¨ Is that dad?? Of course, mom mentioned him. What is happening here? I give up on even trying to open my eyes now and instead fall asleep. I want to get out of whatever situation has started. The black cloth took over my eyes like the night sky after a sunny, tiring and long day. Next thing I knew, I was energetic enough to feel my soft blanket's texture, making me relax even for a second. I should try standing up. As I open my eyes wide open, I see my room in full view this time.