I wake again in my side of the bed, still can't use your side. In my dream we were in that café you always wanted to go, we were hugging and saying sweet thing to each other. I wake up cold, still feeling the ghost of your hug, the ghost of your arms around me. It faded pretty quickly and I remembered I am alone here.
At first I think I was okay, then I realized I wasn't okay. I closed myself in my studio and spend there until the time lost their meaning. I didn't remember to eat meals and stay a lot of nights awake, I didn't want to sleep because what if I dream about you? You won't be here when I wake, what was the point. The boys were worried, they dragged me out of the point where i decided to drown. They make me feel like worth of living again.
Namjoon spend a lot of nights with me, when the night grows cold he was there with his dimples and some food for me, we almost caught the house on fire one night. Hobi was mad at that, so since then it was the three of us in the kitchen. Hobi was the first one to play something in your stereo, i used to think I was going to cry when that happens. I didn't, I just feel like the music hugged me, like you used to do. It was fine, I was fine, they make me fine again. They didn't let me fall over.
I still dance through our house when our song plays in your stereo, the one that you left behind; still make the coffee you like, with lots of sugar and cinnamon; still wait for you to open the door and come to my arms, so I can hug you and say that everything will be okay; still do all the things we used to do together, I do it all with the ghost of you.
Sometimes I feel like i'm drowning, you know, still feel like it was my fault that you ran away. But we were too young honey, too dumb. We didn't understand what means to love and be loved. We couldn't get over our differences and we hurt each other, i'm sorry for that. I know better now.
I still have your cd's, the collection you left behind. In the beginning I almost throw them away, now I sometimes play some of your favorite song and dance around, like we used to do. I also found some of the clothes in the closed that are yours, that yellow sweater you used when you were sad, or the red shirt of the happy days. They are folded and in the part of the closet that used to be yours.
I see your face today when I was walking to the studio, it was the first time in months. You look so beautiful like the first time I see you. See your smile makes me smile, you've always had that power over me; it kinda dropped when I read the reason (not gonna lie here, not gonna lie to you) but then another smile, one more sad than the other come to my face, that's what hobi said. Anyways, I hope you're happy with you marriage jimin-ah, like you always deserved to be.
Always yours, Yoongi
