Selcouth

Myself

He was 14. 14 when he watched a movie on Netflix about a guy who wasn't actually a guy. He used to be a girl but said that he wanted to be a boy. The whole concept of that movie confused Chuuya.</p>

He had never seen that kind of thing before. It perked his interest so, when his parents fell asleep he snuck into the living room and to the laptop sat on the coffee table.

Chuuya's parents were a little strict on rules to do with computers and leaving the house. The laptop must stay downstairs and there must be a parent present when he uses it therefor, the only time Chuuya can freely use the computer is when his parents are asleep -they lock the computer in their room when Chuuya is left alone in the house-.

That night, Chuuya spent hours scrolling through websites and YouTube videos on what the movie was about. From the first search he found out what the guy in the film was, transgender. When someone wasn't the gender they were born with.

The concept of not being what you are was strange to him. It made him go back to his room; look in the mirror and look at himself.

He let his shirt float to the floor as he looked at himself in the mirror. He stared at the things that hung off his chest. Chuuya had watched and read the stories of others who hadn't felt comfortable with the things he had and the thought made his head swim, these were normal right? He needed them?

But no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise, all that played in his mind was the fact that these things inconvenienced him. They hurt. He started thinking about all the other things about him that he didn't like, how long his hair was, how feminine his voice sounded, how little his body was and what happened to him every month. All of these things made him start to despise the thought of being a girl. Being a boy would be so much better. He wouldn't have to worry about hundreds of the things he thinks about daily.

Of course, in his mind, this was just a phase and wouldn't carry on. He wouldn't do anything that drastic - surely his parents wouldn't be too happy either. Suddenly having a son? Bullshit. They would never accept that. But, ever single boy he saw in the street, he was jealous of. He wished he was like them. He wished.

—

The doctors office smelt like chemicals, a mix of medicine and cleaning supplies. People were called to the rooms and seated on chairs all around him as his mind swam with possibilities.

"Chuuya?" His mother snapped him out of his own head as she stood up. He began to stand up aswell when he was stopped by her speaking again, "I'm just getting a cup of water sweetheart" Chuuya nodded and sat himself back down in the seat. His hands at gripped at the seat.

He was only at the doctors for a routine checkup but, he wanted to ask the doctor about what was constantly plaguing his mind but, he had to do it without his mother in the room so that only gave him about a 30 second window when she left and he was leaving aswell. The seat next to him creaked as his mother sat down again, a cup of water in her hands.  "So how's school?" She questioned, taking a sip then resting the water back on her lap.

"Like always" he muttered "works hard; the rest is fine"

"Ah.. how about we think about getting you a tutor? Someone can help you with your work"

"I don't need a tutor, I'm fine on my own mum" Every word that woman said casued his mood to downgrade slightly. He was like a snowball, being rolled and getting bigger and bigger and bigger until eventually, he would get too big and cause damage he didn't want to cause.

She began to open her mouth again when another door opened and Chuuya's name was called. "Ah, come on sweetheart". She practically dragged him out the seat he was sat in and into the doctors office.