A daughter's wish

   A Daughter's Wish

Hi, my name is Cheyenne, but my parents call me Annie for short.

It's just my mom, my sister, and I. My dad doesn't live very far though, he would let me come and visit on holidays and summer time. My sister and I have different fathers. Im not really sure where her father is, but no one talked about him much.

Ive never had a close relationship with my mother and sister, it's kind of complicated if you ask me. My mom worked all the time so she would say that my sister is "my mom when she's not home", that really put a strain on our relationship for me, because my sister took that roll very seriously. I had to do all the chores while my sister kicked her feet up and threatened to call our mother if I didn't do as she said.  I hated my life with them.

My relationship with my father and his family has always been so much better. I could only dream of living with them permanently. They care so deeply for me, they show me so much love and affection. It really filled the void every time I came to visit. My grandma would ensure that I was bathed, my hair was done, my teeth were brushed, and I was as clean as a whistle. In my mind, no one could love me better than they could. I Learned alot from grandma, like to never sit on a mans lap EVER. Cousins would try to pick me up and id resist immediately.
Sadly it was short lived every summer. I'd kick, scream, and cry to avoid going back home with my mother. My grandmother and I were like the scene from 'The Color Purple' with the two sisters being separated. I was terrified that I'd never see her again.

Mom would take my money that grandma sent me home with and act as if i did something wrong so that I couldn't have it. She would say "Your daddy owes me,this is my money!"
"I cant wait until you see who your daddy really is!" It hurts that you yell at me all the time. When someone yells at me i lash out and don't get me started on pointing your fingers in my face.

Ive always been the "sensitive" misunderstood child and it just got worse as i grew older. I never received hugs or an "I love you" from my mother. If I did, it's so far back in my memory than I can look back to. The last kiss I remember was when I was in elementary school, she gently kissed me on my forehead as she thought I was soundly asleep. That's the last thing I remember.

I just wanted to be shown love and affection from everyone that I thought was supposed to love me. I remember watching 'The proud family' , and 'That's so Raven', seeing how their families were so loving and funny towards each other. Why couldn't I have that? Is that what a family is really like? I began to become an emotional child. I just wanted to be loved so badly.

Dont get me wrong, no ill feelings towards my mother, i love her, I just don't understand her. I was about 13 years old when I got my first period. I knew nothing about my body as a developing woman other than what I saw on 'Just around the corner' in 5th grade. My mother or my older sister never had that talk with me and explained what was what. I remember telling my mother I got my period, she turned around with this evil look on her face as if it was my fault. She asked if I was wearing a pad and I answered "no". "So you're just gonna sit there and bleed on yourself?" She said. She gave me a pad and told me to put it on in the bathroom. I just had to figure it out on my own. At this point I was use to the way she would speak to me.

I tried showing affection as a child once, I was asked if was gay and was yelled at for gently rubbing my mother's leg in-front of company. I
always wanted to be close to her but she pushed away and treated me as if I was never wanted. She would say "you don't love me", and it would break my heart because I knew for a fact that I loved my mother, she just made it so damn hard to show it. She would take every word I said offensively and yell at me, I started to dismiss myself and blocked her and my sister out of my life as much as possible.

As I grew older, maybe around high school, I started longing for more attention since I wasn't getting it at home. I would talk to any guy that would look at me long enough. It's sad I know, but that's just how it was back then. I met my first boyfriend in eighth grade, we were just friends until high school. We'll just call him Terry. Terry came from a close family but they had their own issues as well. We stuck beside each other through thick and thin. Wherever he went, I went. I won't talk much about him because he has his own life now. Long story short, I let high school get in the way of our "puppy love". I feel as if I was looking for my father in men because he was so far away. Terry gave me that love, well it was close enough. He was my first everything and I was his.

After Terry, I was crazy about boys. I needed to feel that love again. I started having sex and giving my body away to the wrong people. I believed anything sweet that a man would say to me. I had no guidance to know any better. My reckless life was a secret. I had to learn the hard way how to respect myself as a growing woman.

By the time I graduated high school I was so weak and damaged. I needed love and I'd do anything to get it. I was told by someone i thought really cared about me that "i only wanted to date you because i knew you were lonely and you had nobody, i was using you." After that, my thought process changed tremendously. I thought everybody was out to use and abuse me.

My heart and mind became so damaged that I would constantly fall to my knees, afraid to seek help. I eventually ended up in counseling to be heard and release the pain I felt towards my mother. She would mock my depression to her boyfriend as I stood there holding back tears. She would laugh and say "she must have taken her crazy medicine, she's not getting mad." Rage filled my eyes as you mocked me being "crazy". All of this was coming from a woman who would allow men to come in and tell her how to raise us. Would give permission to spank us, demand bed time, when to eat, when to sleep. Hell some even hit her. They even set a limit to how many pieces of tissue we could use after using the bathroom.

My mother would always get in my face to intimidate me for fun, sometimes I think she truly wanted me to fear her. I've always wondered if my sister was affected by our mother's toxicity. If she was, she's damn good at hiding it. Depression and anger is a joke in my family. I was a very angry and guarded child, over the years it just got worse.

One night, I'd finally had enough. Enough of pain, enough of carrying the weight others emotions and feelings,I gave up. I was at work, working the night shift. I went to stand on that bridge, I wanted to jump. I had it all planned out, the bridge was only two miles away or less. We had to sit in our cars at work, I was watching the clock, counting down as the time passed. My boss came to check on me right before my shift was over, I  fixed my face quickly as I went to open the gate so that he wouldnt notice. We talked for a while about how much fun his kids had watching the fire works. By the time he got in his car and pulled away, I had fifteen minutes left of work. It was almost time.

My relief made it to work, we discussed paper work and we said our goodbyes. I got in my car and pulled away like nothing was wrong. I finally made it to the bridge, I parked my car and got out. I could see the fire works in the sky, it was the 4th of july. I stepped on side of the bridge, and all of a sudden there were no cars on the bridge, just me, my car, and all I hear is 1-800 Logic playing on repeat. I start singing as tears were flowing down my face.

My phone rings, it's my aunt. I wipe my tears and get back into the car. "Hello?"