Skate into my Heart

Chapter One - Small Town Silence

  The bowling alley was bustling and busy on a Friday night, and this one was no different. I had clocked in a moment ago, reporting for duty where I'd been told to man the service desk—my favourite job. Behind the service desk, I could see the whole building; the arcade, the bowling lanes, the cafe.

    I jumped behind the desk, red and yellow work uniform blending into the decoration of the entertainment venue. Serving customers was surprisingly fun to me. Service desk mostly consisted of people buying various amounts of games and hooking them up with the correct size shoes.

   Occasionally some of my friends would drop by, buy a game or two, hang out on the arcade machines. Sometimes, on slow nights, they'd sit behind the desk and keep me company. My manager, a plump lady in her forties, usually didn't mind his friends hanging around as long as I still got on with my work.

    That night was no different and as I worked, I spotted my friends hanging around the arcade. My best friend Ashley stood in front of a large air hockey table, diligently refereeing a game even though the machine did it for her.

    Two other friendly acquaintances were locked in a match, two boys I recognised from my English class at school. I'd never had a proper conversation with either of them but I wasn't surprised that Ashley had. She was much more extroverted than I was.

      "What's up man?" I hadn't seen the customer approach the desk, too busy observing his friends in the arcade. I recognised the customer in front of me—another boy from school—another I'd never spoken to before. He was tall, at least a couple inches taller than me, with dark curls and a cheeky grin. I  wish I looked that good. Tall, built, attractive. But most of all, I wish I didn't have to hide.

    All the other boys got to have their happy endings, making out in the schoolyard with the latest girl of the week, spotted at arcades and the roller rink with the girl they're going steady with hanging from their arm.

    I wanted that. But the worst, most cruel punchline of them all was the fact that I didn't like girls at all. I supposed I just wasn't wired that way, and had come to terms with that. But I knew I would never have my own happy ending as long as that was the case. People wouldn't accept that, they just wouldn't. So instead of being truly happy, I'd resigned myself to my 'almost-there' state.

      Because I was happy. I got to hang out with my friends, I received a small income from my job to spend on CD's and records, and my parents were boring but supportive of my dreams. I just wasn't truly happy. I didn't have that special person of my own to love. There was no one who wanted me, because I never let myself be outwardly proud of my identity. On the inside I knew who I was, and I knew that logically there was no changing it. But sometimes knowing that hurt. I wasn't ever going to find my somebody especially if I never let myself be, well, myself. 

     "Can I get two games, please? Shoe size 10.5" The boy asked, sliding a few bills over the counter. I punched the information into the register, took the money, and slid back the change. Turning from the register briefly, I surveyed the shelves for a pair of shoes the right size, which I then placed on the counter.

      You'll be playing lane four. Do you need another opened? How many friends are you playing with?" The boy looked around and shrugged his shoulders.

      "Only myself, so the one lane should be fine" I waved him off with a hope that he enjoys the game. He definitely had more courage than I did. I'd never think to bowl alone, even though it wasn't a weird activity to do alone. I was too introverted and socially anxious to draw any kind of attention to myself.

    The rest of my shift was slow, and when I finished, I slipped my bomber jacket on over my uniform polo and joined the crowd. I made my way first to the arcade where Ashley and her two other friends had moved on to a car racing game. It looked like an off-brand Mario Kart, with crazy little cars and funny characters, but I'd played it before and it was pretty fun.

     "Bank left! Bank left! No! Your other left!" Ashley was shouting at the brunette friend, leaving the blonde one to fend for himself. I thought his name started with a K, but I couldn't remember. I watched the game from behind Ashley's shoulder and for all her shouting at Karter? Karson? it was pretty close.

    But the blonde crossed the finish line first and jumped up with a whoop. Spotting me behind Ashley's shoulder, he gave me a small wave. "Hey Chris! Didn't know you were working today" I worked every Friday night except for the occasional day off, but I wouldn't expect him to be aware of my work schedule.

     "Hey Chris!" Ashley all but squealed, as if she wasn't completely aware that I was there the whole game. She had some creepy sixth-sense that told her where people were at all times. "You remember Kaden and Harrison, right?" I nodded. She didn't need to know that I actually didn't, not until right this minute.

     "Did you want to play? We were planning on heading off to get some pizza, but you can come with us if you want. I know you might want to go home and rest after working so long" I did want to go home and rest, I had a lot of homework to get through too. But pizza with my friends sounded like a better plan.

      "Sure. Pizza sounds great"

        The pizza parlour was a block away from the bowling alley and it was just as popular on the weekends as the bowling alley was. The group paid for two pizzas to share; cheese and pepperoni, and sat at a table by a long window. They were talking about something trivial, and I started to zone out, until my name was mentioned in conversation.

     "Go on, Chris. Tell us, who do you think is the most attractive girl in our year?" My heart pounded in my chest. If I got my way I'd tell them it was the guy I'd seen earlier at the bowling alley. I knew he went to our school, but I didn't know who he was. I wrinkled my nose, pretending I was thinking hard as I pulled up a mental list of everyone in our grade.

     I was gay, but I wasn't blind. I knew there were some attractive girls in our grade, so I chose one that I knew would satisfy them. "Hm, that's hard. I think probably Catherine Jenkins. She's in my history class and she's smokin'" Harrison laughed loudly, clapping his hands together.

     "Okay, all right. I see you. Personally I think Chloe James is hotter but you do you" The pit in my stomach lessened slightly as they accepted my answer but I still didn't feel good about it. I didn't want to have to lie to them. But I didn't have a choice.

     "Come on Ashley, who's the hottest guy?" Kaden preened, surely hoping Ashley would choose him. If I was honest, I figured that Kaden had a crush on Ashley, but I was also pretty sure it was unrequited.

     "Oh, Anton Greene hands down." There was a collective murmur from around the table. Kaden, clearly upset that Ashley didn't choose him, shrugged his shoulders.

      "But he's a senior"

       "I know. He's hotter than any of you lot." She answered truthfully. It was a little bit of a blow to the ego, but Ashley was always saying things like that. She didn't mean any harm. In fact, she'd told me a million times what I could do to present more attractive, but I never listened. It was all too out there, like cutting my hair a specific way, or wearing certain bright colours. She even suggested I go to the gym and start wearing crop tops. I refused.

     That wasn't who I was. I wore black, white and neutrals. I wore full t-shirts and jeans with no rips. Sneakers. Had long floppy hair that hid my face intentionally. I didn't want to be seen, or perceived. I wanted to blend in.

     I knew I would never be truly happy unless I learned to stand out and be comfortable with it. But I didn't have the courage for that, and I wasn't sure that I ever would.

    Only time would tell, I guess.