June 26, 2023 I don't fear death. I fear life. I fear the voices inside my head that try to take it from me. And I fear the things I see every-time I try to go to sleep. I'm scared of living another minute with this pain I'm feeling. And I'm scared of the midnight thoughts that leave me reeling night after night. I'm scared of standing fight, so I back down. Cowering in the corner, i try to hide but they always find me. I'm scared of you realizing how bad it's getting. I'm scared of leaving because you'll spend the rest of your life regretting not whether I'm ok. But I don't tell you I'm not because I'm scared of what you'll say. I fear pain. But I fear the numbness even more. I fear the emptiness that plagues me that only goes away when I take the knife from the back of my drawer. I'm scared that one day someone will notice my cuts, and judge me, as if my pain wasn't already enough. I also fear the day you walk in a see this note sitting on my desk. I did my best, to stay but it got to much an I had to go away. If you're reading this I guess it's that day, today. I'm sorry to leave but it's better this way. I spent the last year, drowning in my fears. Fake smiles because it's been awhile since I've felt genuinely ok. Living is harder than dying, and it's so easy to die. What's the pain of cut wrists compared to the pain I feel everyday just, existing. I do not fear death. But I fear goodbyes. So this isn't goodbye. I'll see you again just in another life. One not so rife with pain an suffering. A life where I can feel something other than regret and sorrow. One where I wouldn't have to wish I didn't wake up, just so I don't have to go through the pain of tomorrow.
