Don't fly away please

Always on your side

I do not know what it is like to die.
But I know what it is like when a part of you dies. I know what it is like, to lay wide awake in bed, not being able to breathe, even tho you inhale and exhale. I know what it's like to overthink every word someone said. Your chest gets heavy but it feels empty and you feel this increasing pressure.
I know all of this.

But if this is the feeling of a part of us dying deep inside us, what does actual death feel like?
I hope it's not even similar. I am scared of laying there and everything fading away while I try to gasp for air. Is there anything worse than that feeling? Another feeling..? What is worse? Wanting to be dead or fearing death because of that sick feeling inside your chest?

I wish I were dead.

I would have it all behind me. But how to die, when death is your biggest fear? How to die, when death whispers in your ear, telling you it will take your breath away even tho you keep inhaling and  exhaling? How to die, when life wants you to stay? How to die when- ,,Kyara..", Seons voice interrupted all of these thoughts with his soft voice. Suddenly I was pulled back to reality. I saw his hand on both my hands which were shaking uncontrollably. I looked at him. His eyes were focused on me. „Are you okay?", he asked sounding truly worried.
I nod. Now he held my hands with both his hands.

„You seemed so.. far away. So lost. I don't know how to explain how worried I was. I called you multiple times you did not react" -„Really? I must be deaf" , I smiled as I pulled my hands away. „Anyway I have to go", I explained standing up. Turning away to go to class I heared him following me.' don't stop' , I thought.

„Ignoring me won't help", he said. „Because I love you. "-„Seon. I am not ignoring you. I am sorry. Class is going to start right now. See you later", I turned back around walking faster to class. I prayed for the teacher to be late so I wouldn't be late.
But I was unlucky (as always). When I entered the class the teacher stared at me. „I am sorry Mr. Smithson." -„Sorry for what?"-„For being late", I responded looking at my feet. „Look at me and das a full sentence!", he yelled. „I am sorry for being late, Mr. Smithson", I said. „Louder!" „I am sorry for being late, Mr. Smithson!", I repeated louder feeling the eyes of every student on me. I wished to disappear.

,,Fine, sit down" , my teacher finally allowed me and I walked straight to my place. Usually I sit alone but next to my place there was sitting a boy. I did not really mind, since it was just someone I don't know. But after I sat down and pulled out my notebook he talked to me. "Hey! I am.." , he paused. "I am Taemin and you?"

I looked to the other side to ignore him. ,,An introvert huh?" He asked. No answer. "Stay away from her. She's weird." , Tyler,the boy sitting in front of us, told him. For a moment I wish I could say something but I was used to being left out, just because I don't talk a lot.

"Well, did she do something wrong? If not, why not try to talk to her? Maybe she is nice? You just gotta try", the new guy said. I then looked at him and he smiled a bit. He reminded me of seon. Black hair in the same style, but his eyes were different from Seons. The nose was the same,just like the lips. His face was shaped only a little bit different. "Kyara" I said. „Cool", he smiled again. „Why are you so nice to me?" , I asked. Tyler turned around and raised an eyebrow. „You made her talk?!" he asked. I looked down, trying not to mind him but it was hard, since I wasn't used to attention.

„Not really. She just asked a question. Stop making a drama out of it. She's just a human.", Taemin then said. Something about him made me smile. Maybe the fact he accepted me with who I was. As the lesson passed by we worked together which lead us to get to know each other better. ,,You're pretty smart!", Taemin mentioned while I packed my books inside my backpack again. ,,Oh wow, thank you" I rolled my eyes and then smiled at him. „Hey! That's the best compliment you can get. It's not about what you look like. It's about what you have in there!" , he tapped on my forehead. ,,As if I didn't know", I said. When we left, Seon was already in front of the door waiting for me. ,,Oh? Hello.." he looked at me with a questionmark written in his face. „That's.. Taemin. He sits with me in history class", I explained. „You have social skills?", Seon always used to make fun of my social skills which weren't even existent. „No.. he does" , I smiled at him. „Makes sense"-„Idiot", I boxed him in his shoulder as we walked to technology class. „Taemin what's your next class?" , Seon asked. „Mathematics" ,he smiled „And yours?" „Technology. With kyara", Seon answered. „She's hella smart so I don't have to work at all"-„Already noticed that!", Taemin answered while leaving. „Bye have fun!"-„Mhm, you too!" Seon took my hand and walked to the cafeteria.

„He seemed so familiar.", Seon whispered. „Right?! He looks a bit like you", I looked up at Seon. He looked back at me. „Not just his looks. His voice. His behavior. I've met this person once in life but I don't know where", he explained as he looked forward again. „Your long lost brother",I laughed. „If I had a long lost brother it would be him.. but you know I don't. Even at the baby photos it's just me and my sister", he said as if he tried to make clear Taemin wasn't his brother. „I know. His last name was Hwang. He can't be your brother", I answered.

As we arrived to the cafeteria Seon drifted away in thoughts. I tightened my grip around his hand which was still holding mine. „Are you okay?"-„Dont trust him", Seon suddenly said while sitting down on a table.
„Why?" -„I don't know him. YOU don't know him. It's a stranger that suddenly appears at school and seems way to familiar to be a stranger." he said. I stared at him for a while. „stop worrying so much"-„Right.. sorry I am just uncomfortable with him", he sighted realizing his own overreaction.