Eleni Skirata's thoughts diary

Them

Being with Clone Force 99 has been cool, but at the same time, I have felt it like a countdown.

Together, we have done five missions, two of which were part of Echo's rescue.

I don´t know how many more missions we need to do together before Order 66, but I haven't discovered the words to explain to my squad about the inhibitor chips without killing them.

I still haven't discovered why I'm still alive too.

I don't show my force abilities because I would like to say I don't have a bomb that could explode at any moment, but at the same time, I feel a knot in my throat for the important details I am hiding from them.

For now, the only things they know from me are about my buir, my vode, and, of course, Sev.

Something very disgusting for Crosshair, who is still saying that relationship is forbidden

That gray snake can have those comments, but if Sergeant Vau didn't change my feelings, neither will he.

Tech is the one who always tells me where Sev is.
That is the only detail I care to know about him.
No messages, no love letters. Even when I still love him, I want to keep him safe.

Hunter knows I barely can´t sleep at night thinking about what Sev could be feeling outside—he, any of my vode, or even my buir. He has tried to give me comfort when I can´t handle the situation, but he can't make me not have despairing thoughts.

Wrecker´s toy Lula helps me sleep when I can't cry anymore. He is proud that at least that can help me sleep when I have cried enough or am very tired.

Echo is there too. He listens as well as Hunter does.

But that is my emotional situation. On the battlefield or during a mission, I focus on it.
Nothing more than that, and of course above that, my squad status.

One night I was writing in my diary when Crosshair came near me and sat by my left side.

He had a toothprick.

You know how much he loves those toothpicks.

-What are you putting in there, sweetie? Crosshair said with his snake voice.
I stopped writing and turned to look at him. Then I answered.

-Ideas for a speech I will need to give someday

-A speech, uh? You are not very good at that.- Crosshair said

I noticed, and then I said.- I know, but the good thing about that speech is that it is going to be only for the people I care about.

After that, I got up from the place where I was writing on our ship, and then I started to walk to the space where I sleep.

You are not planning to kill yourself, right? Crosshair asked at the time he followed me.

I gave a sigh, then turned to look at him and said it with an angry tone. - If I wanted to do that Cross, then I would have done it a long time ago without telling anyone. I know you think I am childish and weak, but I also know that feeling what I feel is okay because I am a human being that cares about the people around her and...

Crosshair threw his toothprick to the floor, then he put his right hand behind my head. I didn´t know he could do that, but he did it.
-Allow me to remind you how strong you are. He said

After that, he leaned close to me, and then he kissed me.
I didn't stop him.
I didn't tell him. I didn't want to kiss him.
In a way, I wanted it.

So we kissed each other for a while, and when we finished, we cuddled and slept together.

(Important note: Nothing more than that happened).

That surprised me in a way, but I need to say I felt something for him.

It was just like Sev.

Maybe that made me not stop him.

After that night, Crosshair and I began to be more close.

And then yes, more kisses, more cuddles, more of everything except what is most important—of course, nothing of sex.
Sev didn´t know about it.

Or at least he couldn´t because he couldn´t see us in our missions or relax.
I felt bad in a way, but at the same time, good.

But the love story needed a pause.

I needed to think about how to explain to my squad what I know about Order 66, the inhibitor chips, and Darth Sidious plans.

Love is not the only thing that can't be at war without inner conflict.

Peace is the other thing that is not in wartime and life without inner conflict