Till It Ends

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4:17 am...

Am i really even alive?...

Not really, im just a walking corpse, like a husk of nothingness...

Will it ever end?...

It's four in the morning and I can't feel anything. There is no light, no want for change, no reason for living, no happiness or pain, it's just nothing...and I can't really complain. It's nice. I even love it, it's just hard to explain. It's like I am in a hole, a hole i dug by myself, and when i decided to stop, everything did, even myself, and now i just exist there. 

It's comfortable, like the comfort of the clouds at night that listen to all the shit i tell them, and i like it. Instead of getting out i embrace it, i decorate that hole of self isolation and i thrive. It doesn't hurt, it never has, but when people decide to get into my business and decide for me that this is wrong, that where i am now in life is against all social normalities, that's when it starts to hurt, like a mother fucker. 

But here i am, again it's four in the morning, and life will continue on in three hours. Time stops ticking at night but when the sun rises again, with the blinding vile colors, life will continue as if nothing happened the day before. Time stops for nobody, not even for me. 

.    .     .

I watch my wall that changes from grey to golden yellow to white in the matter of hours, just staring as if it was another human being. The humming of my fan that has been turned on for years envelopes my ears and i listen to it, letting it drown all of my thoughts. Its like static from a television set, like a wave of sounds mushing together to create something so annoying but yet so comforting, but that ends the moment my door swings open. 

"It's time to get up, its your last day of school, ride it out okay?" she tells me. Everything my mother says is like it will be written on stone. It's laughable how everything she says is said with such power and conviction, but she's nothing more than someone who's fake. Nothing lines up with what she says and how she says it, and she acts dumb when someone calls her on her shit. 

"Did you hear me?" she raises her voice a bit.

"yeah.." i mumble as she shuts my bedroom door, proceeding to do the same to my brother. 

I haven't felt like sleeping for the past few days, and I haven't for most. I see no point in it. If life is going to stay like this, then I want it to end. If i'm in a hospital again for cutting, or if my father yells again, or if my mother starts with her narcissistic bull crap, if they blame everything on each other and me at the same time despite their legalized divorce, then I want it to end. I don't want to be here, and I've decided I'm not going to, this summer...yes this summer at the very end of juvenile freedom, that will be the end. The middle of August. That's how long I have till I give everything up, surrounded by water in my last breath, with no feeling in my limbs, shards of rock in my skin. What a way to go...but its my way. 

Last day...

.     .     .

It's sickening. The shabby blue carpet with specks of colors. The desks with dicks drawn on them and racial slurs. All the white teachers and their nagging voices. And the kids. Don't get me started on the fucking students. 

I sigh looking at my feet in an uncomfortable pink seat, listening to all the voices around me. 

"That bitch is so hot!" 

"I know right?! This summer I'll take her," he jokes about a poor girl's virginity. These are the douche bag boys who couldn't care about anyone's respect none the less their own.

"I fought so hard for him to bring my grade up and it's at an A-, it's baffling" 

"He's not that bad, and plus, your grade wasn't even near the cut for the opt out on the final," 

"It was close enough!" She rants. These are the ones who need academic validation to even function in life. And before you start, she was not close to the cut off, she was a good seven percent away...

"I'm getting my licence this summer, like I need to get this done, i want to drive to the city and the mall,"

"I have mine, we can go to the mall later today," 

"Yes, oh my god and there's even this cute halter top I've been eyeing there too!" They all squeal in excitement. I never wanted to be these girls, they were obnoxious, but so desperate for a boy's attention. There are others who are the same way but with a teacher. Everyone strives to be that 'it' person. It's pathetic. It's desperation at its worst. 

Then finally, there are people like me, who sit away from the teacher's view, who hardly talks in class, who doesn't care about others and sticks with my own posse, but the difference is that I have no posse, I have one friend. Mina. Hes amazing, and there for me always, and hidden in the closet. I mean the gay closet. He doesn't know it but I think I might. Yet he isn't here with me so we could talk shit about everyone around us, he left school early for a family vacation across the country for a few weeks, and is going to be busy with school leadership during the break. So it will just be me and the end, but before any of that, I need a taste of freedom.

I stare down again just listening and taking in the stupidity till the bell rings.

One more class left. 

And now, summer. 

And till it all ends. 

ring ring ring!!