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"I can't make her stay."

Those were the words that immediately crossed my mind as she was saying goodbye through a phone call. I knew that she wanted me to stop her, make her stay, and tell her how much I loved her, but how could I? After all the I shit I've put her through, I can't possibly say those cruel words to her.

It was around 7 pm when I saw her name pop-up on the screen of my phone. I was quite busy at that time since a few of our relatives were at our house, but I answered her call anyway.

"Hello?" She said.

"Hey. What's up?" I asked, not being able to hide the enthusiasm in my voice.

"Uhhm. I just wanted to talk to you about something."

"Oh yeah, I saw your message. Sorry I wasn't able to reply. A few of my relatives are here so I'm quite busy right now."

"Oh is that so? Sorry to bother you." She sounded dismayed.

"No, it's okay. Go on." I urged her.

"Well, I just wanted to ask you for a favor."

"Uhmm sure? What is it?"

She chuckled, "Can you please stop sending me your text messages? Because you're making everything more complicated for me."

"Why? Did I do something wrong?" It was a stupid question, but I said it anyway. I was utterly confused.

At the background I heard her mother honking the horn of their car, indicating that she had just arrived home or they were about to go somewhere, it was usually one of those two.

"Well, I have to leave now, we're going out for dinner."

"Oh okay." It was all I could say.

"Bye." And then there was the long beeping sound.

I felt confused, distracted, and hurt. Even if I knew that I didn't have the right to be. I'm a selfish prick. I go out to drink with my friends even if I know that I have to get to school early the next day. I'm not the perfect student, I'm always late in class. I'm also not the perfect guy who's tall, dark and handsome. I'm just tall and dark. That's why I couldn't understand how could she love a guy like me.

She is a worry-wart and always gets jealous but she's kind, smart, witty, intuitive, funny, caring, sweet, lovable and everything a guy could ever hope for. She's always insecure about her weight since she's a bit chubby, but I couldn't care less, she's beautiful, just the way she is. I wish that I could say all these things to her, and make her see herself through my eyes, then she would probably be more confident about herself. But I can't.

Maybe you're wondering how come do I always say "I can't". Well, as I said, I'm not someone who can measure up to her. She's everything I want and more, but I don't deserve her, because she deserves someone better than me. Someone who actually has goals that they set and aim for, someone who she can be serious with, someone who's not me. I love her. I love her with all my heart, but I still have to prove myself worthy of her.

"Yo Matt, what happened? You like you've been hit by a bus or something."

"It's nothing." I said, lamely.

"Whatever dude, go grab a beer or something. You really look like you need one."

"Go mind your own business."

"Chill man. Geez you don't have to be so stingy." Rick sauntered off.

I hate this feeling. This feeling that you know something bad is bound to happen and you can't do anything to stop it. I've seen this coming, of course I have. But why do I feel so unsure now? I knew what I did, and yes I feel guilty but why does it feel like I'm between two large boulders who are forcefully slamming at each other. I regret what I did. I've never should've done it.

Two hours, thirty four minutes and twenty seven seconds have passed when my phone started to ring again. Of course, it was her, who else would it be? Nobody calls me. No one, but her. This was it. It is time to face the truth.

"Hello?"

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⏰ Last updated: May 10, 2013 ⏰

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