Nightmares || Merlin fanfic

Nightmares

Set after series 2, episode 9.

Your blindness to my downfall
Has gone too far to be a joke.
As I stand ablaze before you,
And you tell me you smell smoke.

The mare nickered softly, as Merlin ran a caring hand across her ears, rubbing gently. "Good girl." He murmured underneath his breath, letting the horse nuzzle against his hand. It was these moments he treasured, these precious moments of peace, away from the shouts, the joking, the eyes. Not because they were looking at him- but because they weren't. They slid over him, as if he were nothing more than a mildly interesting piece of scenery. And when they did look at him, it was only to give orders. Only she had ever looked at him and saw.

He could not help but wonder at the obliviousness of the knights- how could they laugh, joke, when his world was lying in shattered pieces around his feet? How could they be so blind?

Merlin thought back to her first few days in Camelot, and despite the sharp wedge of hurt in his chest, he could not help but smile. It was the cold snap- and she was the snow. She tore in like a hurricane, changing the very earth beneath his feet, until he walked in a white wonderland, the world around him stunning in its rebirth. But then came the thaw. Vanishing, disappearing before his eyes, until all that remained was the twisted remains of broken stems and cracked china, the ground soaked through with tears.

He swallowed hard against the rising lump in his throat, and blinked back the moisture from his eyes. Enough tears had been spilt.

"MERLIN!" Arthur's shout rang out through the forest, clear and demanding: the sort of voice that expected to be obeyed. Merlin quickly ran a hand across his cheek and mouth, trying to manipulate his lips into a smile. He managed a creased grimace, and hoped it would be good enough.

"Yes, sire?" He called back hoarsely, scrambling towards the small clearing where the knights had made camp.

"Make dinner, would you? We're starved." Arthur barely looked at him as he spoke- a fact Merlin was thankful for, due to the redness rimming his eyes.

"Of course, sire."

Merlin cooked automatically, barely conscious of his hands moving. His mind was a million miles away- in another time, watching a blushing girl accept a rose, her red dress in tatters.

The rest of the evening passed the same way- Merlin wrapped up in his own thoughts while the others set the night on fire with the raucous laughter and outrageous jokes. Arthur noticed though. Just as Merlin was making his bed, he asked randomly.

"Are you alright?"

Taken aback, Merlin could only get out a "Yeah, I'm fine." before leaning back around and closing his eyes, trying very hard to ignore Arthur, who continued talking anyway. He caught only snippets of what he said over the pounding of his heart in his ears.

"...Haven't been yourself... haven't smiled since we left... back end of a cat..."

"I'm fine!" Merlin ground out between his teeth, his temper flaring. Arthur raised one eyebrow, but held up his hands in surrender and set up his bed opposite him. Merlin squeezed closed his eyes and tried very hard not to think.

Arthur P.O.V

Merlin's scream shatters the night, ripping me from my empty oblivion. I am on my feet, sword in hand, before I am even fully conscious, my muscles tensed and my body alert. I look wildly around for enemies, but my confused gaze falls only on Merlin's twitching body. He is shaking, and a low, gutteral moan is emanating from his voicebox, a keen of complete agony escaping him. As I watch, a spasm rocks his body, and he cries out in a distorted groan filled with hurt.