Maybe This Time

Part title

Of course it had to happen today. Why pick a nice and quiet day like Saturday, when all she had had to do was get some groceries? If her car had broken down then, she would have had plenty of time to bring it to the mechanic. Even Sunday would have been a better day. Sure, the mechanic wouldn't have been open, but at least she would have known beforehand and would have been able to plan, instead of being completely caught off guard this morning - just when she was in a hurry to get to the office. She wondered whether it had been a sign - the universe telling her that she shouldn't go into work today and instead crawl back into bed. She knew that wasn't an option, but it had definitely been very tempting, she thought, popping another nicotine gum in her mouth. Stupid Stoptober! Stupid Jamie for convincing her to join the challenge and quit smoking. So what if her lungs were turning black? Or her teeth yellow? Dying of stress wouldn't do her any good either. At least, smoking calmed her down. Stupid bus! If she had had her car, she could have driven to a gas station to get some cigarettes and enjoy that rush of nicotine. Real nicotine. Not the fake stuff they were trying to pass off as 'a good substitute'. No matter how much gum she had chewed so far, it just wasn't the same. She wanted a cigarette. Maybe some of the other passengers on the bus might....no! She shook her head, as if trying to get the idea out of her mind. She wasn't that desperate; or at least that was what she tried to convince herself. She just had to think of something else.
She looked at her phone, as a lock of hair fell before her eyes. Mmm, not sure that was the distraction she had been looking for. When she tucked the lock behind her ears again, she tried her best not to give in to yet another frustration. This morning, while she had been doing her hair, her hairband had snapped. At that time she hadn't really worried about it, since she had known that she had another band in her car. But of course with all the commotion with her car not starting and the sudden need to take the bus, she had completely forgotten to take the spare hairband out of her car. She could only hope that there was a spare spare hairband in her desk. Given all the junk she had collected over time, it wouldn't surprise her if she did actually have one lying around, but she would feel better once she actually had it instead of just thinking about it.
While she watched new passengers embark, the phrase 'when it rains, it pours' crossed her mind - a good description of the morning so far; yet she hoped it was only a temporary shower, and that the sun would break through, soon. They could sure use a little sunshine today. They had been planning for this day for a while now. And now that the day was finally here, she had actually started feeling a little nervous. She had done her best not to let anybody know what was going on. But she had caught one of her colleagues looking at her a little strange the other day. She had made some excuse about family troubles, yet she wasn't sure he had bought it. She felt relieved that after today there would be no more secrets, no more covering up her tracks. It wasn't something she was particularly good at. Normally she was an open book; not that she couldn't keep a secret, but when the secret controlled a big part of her day, keeping it to herself turned out to be quite a challenge. She was so used to sharing with her colleagues what was going on in her life. If she would have suddenly stopped, it would have been suspicious. So instead, she had had to be really careful with what she had shared - enough that it wouldn't raise any questions, yet not too much, also not to raise any questions.
There had been several times over the past few weeks that she had wished she hadn't started the habit of oversharing. That would have made things so much easier. But after working for almost ten years at the same company, how could she not share things that were going on in her life, especially when they spent around 40 hours a week together? To say they were like family was a bit much, but her colleagues had definitely become an important part of her life. She had grown used to catching up in the morning about events that had happened overnight - nothing major most of the times, but still somehow it felt good even sharing the little things: a tv show she had watched, some new recipe she had tried, or even just a thought that had crossed her mind while taking a shower. Sometimes she wondered whether it was because she was single and didn't have someone at home to share these things with. But then a married colleague of her would do the same thing, which convinced her that everybody apparently needed to vent, regardless of their relationship status. Thinking about all the things she had heard over the years, it had sometimes felt a bit awkward when she had met the significant other during a social event. But over time, she had actually started to know some of the other halves a bit better, and she had come to suspect that some of her colleagues had a tendency to exaggerate a bit. She didn't mind though. And she even understood. After all, often one's private life was completely separate from one's work life, providing a place to let go of all frustrations in confidence - almost like a therapist office. Maybe time to get that comfy couch for the common room after all. That couch would definitely hear its fair share of interesting stories. She thought of her colleagues and how different they all really were. You had your traditional family man and working mom, but also the modern power couple, the single hermit, and even the new age yoga lady. No matter how different they all were, as a team it somehow worked. In those ten years, she had gotten to know and appreciate people she otherwise would not have crossed paths with.
Thinking back, she couldn't believe it had almost been ten years already since she had first set foot in the office. Time had flown by, so much so that it had become increasingly harder to recollect when specific events had taken place. She had actually caught herself linking it to their office move. Colleague leaving? Shortly before they moved. New IT system? Little over a year after the move. She wasn't sure, though, how long that would continue to work; they had been in the new office for almost five years now. She would have to find a new milestone. She wondered how that must be for her colleagues who had worked with the company for over twenty-five years already. Would they still be using milestones, or had they given up keeping track? After so many years, who could blame them? It had always surprised her how large the group of colleagues was that had been with the company for more than twenty-five years; there were even colleagues who had reached the forty year mark. It was hard to imagine, but it explained why the company only started recognizing work anniversaries after twelve and a half years. For her, her five year anniversary had been a big deal. She had never worked anywhere for so long. But other than a congratulations from her department manager it had gone by pretty unnoticed.
Ten years in the same job. It sounded boring, yet that was not how she would describe it. Her workload had always been very diverse, dealing with many topics and colleagues at the same time. The diversity had turned out to be something she liked, although she had learned that dealing with other people also was the most challenging part of the job: trying to align everybody's opinion; doing her best not to offend anybody - which had actually turned out to be surprisingly harder than she had thought. She had always considered herself to be diplomatic and kind. So the first time someone had described her as blunt and harsh, she hadn't wanted to believe it – just one person's opinion. But when another colleague had used similar words to describe her response to a third colleague's not so well considered action, she had started to see a pattern. Upon a closer look at herself, she had discovered that she had the tendency to be direct. But that was all it was, direct. Unfortunately she had also learned that it didn't always come across that way. So she had made an effort to try to tone it down a little. It had certainly not been easy, and every now and again she slipped up. But she was a firm believer of personal development. There is always room for improvement in her opinion; just like she felt it was important to keep herself challenged.