the flowers in my lungs // yeonbin

the flowers in my lungs.

soobin had learned to love the part of himself that has caused him the most pain in his 18 years of living, the flowers in his lungs. the purple hyacinth clinging to his organs that scraped them slightly every breath he took. he loved them because it was proof of his undying love for someone, despite the love not being reciprocated. soobin didn't care about that, he loved him that much after all. 

soobin had lived a happy life, he had friends and family that loved him and he had him, the one person who soobin loved more than anything in this world. his yeonjun hyung. yeonjun had been the light that came into soobin's life when everything was dark. he had learned and loved alongside him, but eventually soobin learned that the love he had for yeonjun was not the same love that yeonjun had for him. 

he remembers the first day he found out about the flowers, he thought he caught the flu or something, he felt like something was stuck in his throat continuously and he had been coughing and coughing thinking nothing of it until a particular cough fit he had at school to the point where he had to excuse himself from class and walk to the restroom. 

the coughing felt endless, the prickling at his throat burned, he felt like he was about to collapse, and then the first petals came out. purple with a slight red from his blood.

oh. 

that was his only response to finding out. his mind was blank for the rest of the day and he couldn't remember much of it, he remembers wiping the blood from his mouth and hands after flushing the petals down the toilet. the rest is a blur. 

he had made a decision that day though, he wouldn't stop loving him. instead he learned to accept his fate, and learned to love the flowers in his lungs, as a token of his love for yeonjun. 

hanahaki wasn't a rare occurence unfortunately, it had appeared randomly a few years back and had shocked people to their core, falling in love was something to be afraid of now. the cure was found quickly not much thought behind it really, just remove the flowers. they didn't know until after the first surgery that removing the flowers meant removing all emotions from your mind. people who had gone through the surgery could no longer love, laugh, cry, get angry, etc. an emotionless world is what they lived in now. and soobin would never put himself through that. so he chose death. 

accepting it was easier than he had anticipated, he couldn't see himself living a life where he didn't love yeonjun. instead he chose to keep it a secret from his family, his friends, and from yeonjun. he'd make sure no one would suspect a thing. he'd make them think it was something else, something curable and would avoid their pleas for him to live. that'd make things harder, more complicated. he just wanted to die peacefully without anyone ever knowing who had caused this within him. 

he knew yeonjun would blame himself, he knew his family and friends would blame him too. he didn't want that. he just wanted to leave peacfully. deep down though he wanted yeonjun to love him back, but that isn't something that can be forced. so he opted for the next best thing, to die. 

despite his desperate efforts to make sure no one found out, someone found out anyway. it had been too difficult to hide the flowers, the blood, his voice which had become hoarse and rough. it had been beomgyu who walked in on him in the school restroom, it had been the worst cough fit at the time. he didn't notice the younger one following him into the restroom. beomgyu had walked in to chaos, and his hyung in a blood covered shirt, and flower petals and more blood scattered on the floor. 

beomgyu had been shocked but soobin was grateful for his quick response, beomgyu had taken his jacket off and offered it to soobin as he turned to grab paper towels and instructed soobin to take off his dirty shirt. he had somehow found a plastic bag for the shirt and they walked back to class together in complete silence.