Dancing With Your Ghost

DWYG: Memory 1

𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑑𝑜 𝐼 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒?
𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑑𝑜 𝐼 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑎𝑔𝑎𝑖𝑛?
𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑑𝑜 𝐼 𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑠𝑡?
𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑑𝑜 𝐼 𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑎𝑔𝑎𝑖𝑛?

I keep on repeating the same old song as if I'm grounded in the same space, immovable to step one more time. It's been years, but I still remember how you used to fold the last penny inside your pocket. It was in four, reserved to buy me some dried chips near our neighborhood. I used to sit in front of an old ice cream parlor, waiting after the last class. You were not the most charming guy on campus, while I adored how you ran fast towards me. The smell of your sweat — like rain in summer. I felt like I turned out to be the loveliest girl when you tied my purple shoes laces. It was your birthday gift, in our third year of friendship and was always my favorite. You love to tease the weirdness in me. You love surprises and have endless ways to get them. You were gentle too, and your hair was moving slowly in rhythm with the wind. I used to touch the strands while you were sleeping during our short breaks and wondered how you were a heavy sleeper in between 15 and 30 minutes of resting with me. You weren't even the smartest, but your humor fascinates me every time you spill a joke. I remember how happy I was back then. It was genuine, carefree, and bold. We were like those birds, wearing colorful wings and soaring high in the sky. You made me feel so loved and cherished. You were too perfect for me. 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒘𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝑰'𝒎 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖.

I never thought of life apart from you. I did not dare to dream of letting go of your warm hands. Not only did I want to say goodbye every time we had to go home. I used to draw your smiles, and to remember the sound of laughter in my dreams. Our future, set to last forever. Our hair, mixed with gray and pure white. Our skin, painted with life lessons and experiences. I was looking forward to it. I hope, and I miss you every time I go back down the same street. Love, everything has changed; some of our neighbors left, some of them died, and some of our fellow kids had grown up building their own families. 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒘𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒘𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓, 𝒕𝒐𝒈𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓.

And where am I? 𝑳𝒐𝒔𝒕.
I hoped you'd come and find me.

I wish I was brave enough to confide. I wish I was honest enough to say how much you mean to me. How I desperately wished to appreciate every single thing you did for me. Not a little too early. Not even a little too late. Not when you died. Not when I have tears.

How do I love again?
If I am alone.
Waiting for no one.
Missing someone.
Loving even when you're gone.