《Pain, pure pain, you have been warned!》
(Open ending)
Trigger warnings apply!
Dear Jungkookie,
Maybe, the time you will get this letter, I will be gone. Where? I don't know yet. But far. Safe. But far. I don't want you to worry about me. You know I'm strong. Stupidly so. So you don't need to worry about my safety. I love my life. But it was getting a little difficult for me to keep loving it, with whatever we had going on…
I loved you since before I knew what love was. And I felt you did the same. The way you used to care for me, the way you used to look at me, touch me, I always felt that love. But last whole year, that love, that warmth was missing. It felt like we were just coexisting.
Now a days you look at me like we look at the random decor of our house. We are very excited when we buy that certain thing. We know how well it would bring out the colour of our room. For a few days, we are happy to see that. We even boast about it to our guests. But then As days pass, it becomes just a random wall decor in our house. It becomes one with the background. There is no special significance to it. That is what I have become to you, isn't it? Maybe my absence will make you uneasy for a few days because suddenly, the space feels empty. But that's just because you are used to seeing that thing. Soon enough, your eyes will get used to that blank space, or you will add another decor to it, a more permanent one, maybe. But I am tired of being that person who is just living with you out of habit.
The thing is, I always treated you as my number one priority. You always came first. My career, my family, my friends, and everything else was on second. But I don't think you ever felt the same. I was always the second on the list. Please don't deny that. I know what's true. That day, you said to me you left your family, your friends, and many of your career opportunities for me. But please ask yourself if that's actually true. Because as I can see, things look quite different.
You left your unloving and abusive family for me? NO. You left them because they gave you pain, and I gave you love. You left them because you didn't feel accepted with them. They asked you to leave me and you chose me, you said? But the choice wasn't for me, it was for yourself because with me you felt loved with me.
And that's not it. About the career opportunities you said you left behind, do you think I am a fool? You said you left them because you didn't want me to leave my job or to be alone here, but in reality, you weren't sure if you could be happy there. If those opportunities did your talent any justice. Moreover, you weren't sure if you could survive there on your own without me. You believe it or not, but you were co-dependednt on me. This is the reason I left today. You need to learn to live without me. Survive on your own. Because it wasn't the love that made you stay, it was the dependency. And I couldn't take it anymore. I know you dont have that love for me anymore. Maybe I am the reason for it as well. Sometimes, I cared too much and went overboard with how I can make your life better.
But it was all out of love. So get that thing out of your head that you are some kind of charity project for me. You are just the person I love or I care for. But these days, I started feeling if it is all worth it? If only love is enough to make you happy, to make me happy. Maybe I'll never stop loving you, like ever. But the way you have been arguing and blaming me for every bad thing that ever happened to you, I might just stop loving myself. And do you think it's fair to me? If I don't walk away right now, we would keep hurting ourselves. And I am scared. The way your voice came out yesterday? You sounded just like your dad. I know you are not him. I know you will never harm me physically, but for so long, you have hated him, tried not being like him, that unconsciously you are becoming like him.
And I am scared. The way your voice came out yesterday? You sounded just like your dad. I know you are not him. I know you will never harm me physically, but for so long, you have hated him, tried not being like him, that unconsciously you are becoming like him. You always blamed him for being neglectful towards your mom. Always told me how he always thought of himself first, but that's the same thing you were doing to me. Last Sunday, you got upset with me because I couldn't accompany you for the double date with your boss and his wife, But you forgot that it was my mom's death anniversary. While you wanted me to go to that fancy restaurant with you, I just wanted to lock myself in the room and cry my eyes out. I know, I did not remind you about it. But why should I? Especially when I remember the date when you lost your favourite action figure. Like I said, I was never your first priority. I only came first when no one else was available. While I attended all your gaming playoffs, you couldn't even attend the play I practised months for. Why? Because Broadway was a boring affair for you.And I was okay. Because that's just who you are. But do you remember 2 months back, when we had that ugly fight, and I kept asking you to stop the argument, but you didn't want to? I had one of the biggest auditions on the same day. Thank god it was for a romantic tragedy!
I nailed the angst. They said my tears looked so real that they almost thought I wasn't just acting. And how true they were!
I am sorry, I am not writing this to shade you or to make you feel guilty, but I just can't do this anymore. I know it's not a decision I should be making alone, but I don't have the strength to keep going into the same circle. I know if I discuss it with you, you will make me reconsider this. But that's just your dependency, love. Nothing more.
If you can, please remember this letter is not to blame you, but to say the things I couldn't say for so many years. While trying to be kind to you, I forgot to be kind to myself. And that's not healthy, right?
I don't know if we will ever see each other again. But if we do, please smile at me. It's been days since I saw that smile. And before I say my goodbye, I want to tell you, I never wanted to argue with you, I just wanted you to understand where I came from. I wish I was better at explaining myself and was able to put my point up calmly, without ending up either yelling or crying Now, one last request. This time, find yourself someone who would love you rationally. Who would set limits for themselves and you. Who would not shield you from every unpleasant experience and let you face the world on your own. I'll also try to find someone who might take turns with me, being the caregiver.
I wish you everything best,
Finally his own,
Taehyung
《My fluff lover lovelies, It's a self-indulgent angst, with an open ending. It's painful, I know. Please forgive me, but I needed to take this out of my system. I read this quote, and these words just wanted to come out of my heart. Please forgive me. I didn't want to disappoint you all.
Love,
Ana!》
