Update For My Past Self

I have to admit, writing about my life is probably one of the most stressful things I've attempted. Not that there's anything particularly stressful about it; it's more like I never know what to write about.

Aside from awkward moments, bad hair days, schoolwork and brief romantic exploits with members of the opposite sex, there is not much to say about my teenage life. I'm just the average youth with everyday problems. Mostly.

At seventeen, I am confused, bored, lonely, and still grieving from my sister's death two years ago, which left me feeling totally alienated and emotionally distant from my peers. Over time I grew accustomed to being alone, and in time I came to appreciate the solitude; I didn't have to deal with (much) drama or force myself to make friends when I didn't want to.

My solitude also gave me a TON of free time. Not knowing what to do with it, I usually ended up spending it online. I was (and usually still am) constantly on Facebook, Tumblr, Youtube, Wattpad and other social media in an attempt to cure my boredom. I also managed to establish friendships with strangers that I couldn't get with my friends.

Like a lot of relationships, some friendships evolve into something more. I fell in love at the age of fifteen with one of my "online" friends. Let's just say his name was Hunter. I met him on a certain chatting website which I will not name, and when I found out he was eighteen, I was in total bliss. He was older, had tattoos, had piercings, and he was very, very hot. I had found my dream guy.

When we'd started talking, it began with small flirty statements and a lot of just fooling around.

Then it turned into something more.

Eventually it led to Skype calls almost every other night and our conversations grew into something a little more serious. We started texting each other more and more often, and it even got to the point where I'd wait for him to text back even long after I knew he'd fallen asleep.

Before I knew it, he was the only thing that ran through my thoughts.

A few months later, a piece of my diary looked like this:

Saturday, 4 January 2014. 8pm.

"I'm still with Hunter. Can you believe that? I'm 16 and he's 19 now. His birthday was on the 15th last December. It's funny how I still remember it. But then again, I can still remember our first Skype call and the first words we'd ever exchanged. Am I obsessed? I don't know. But I miss him.

Now, going into the subject of my future (groan). I still have no clue what the hell I'm going to do. My mom still wants me to be a doctor, but no way in hell am I cut out for that. Maybe something cooler like an assassin. Or Zombie Overlord. Geez. Thinking about the future is so DEPRESSING. I'm not sure if I'll ever get to see Hunter in person. I hope one day I will. Let's see what happens, eh?"

Honestly, when I look at that entry today I can't help but cringe at my own naivety. After a while, Hunter's replies to my texts became less and less frequent, until they disappeared completely. His last text was when he was telling me he'd be in California for the summer. I never got a text back ever since.

He stopped going on Skype, he never replied my emails, my calls never went through.

Nothing.

It was like he'd disappeared from the face of the Earth.

A year later, my diary entry looked like this:

6 January 2015. Almost 4am.

"Well, happy new Year, Ella. Happy New Year, girl. You made it. Be proud.

It's mostly out of boredom that I'm writing this, but perhaps one day I'll thank the stars for writing as much as I did. Maybe my handwriting hasn't gotten any better (sorry, 13-year-old-me), but I sure as hell hope my attitude has. I'll always be the immature little prick I am, of course, but maybe, each year, I can learn to judge a little less.

Now, an update for my past self:

· You and Hunter are done. He never got in touch with you after he disappears for his so-called Cali trip.

· You are not a naturally positive girl, you only pretend to be. Maybe that'll change for both of us in the future.

· You still, and always will, love those bands.

· Don't be terrified of school. You have friends and people who love you. Be terrified of the real world, girl. I know I am.

· I know you feel like life sucks every day. I still do. I doubt you'll ever stop feeling that way, but despite all that, keep your chin up.

· I still haven't had my first kiss (I know, right?).

· Last night I had this dream that I was the lover of a really hot guy, the Hare King. I lived in his underground mansion and walked in tunnels.*wink wink*

Anyway, I've suddenly grown tired. Get your grades up. Do some crazy things. Live a little. Keep praying.

Goodnight. xx"

I wrote that entry only a few months ago. It's my last entry, but here's an update for my past self:

· I'm proud to say that you moved on, rather quickly, from your first real heartbreak. Congratulations.

· I do thank the stars that I wrote as much as I did. It made my story.

And last, but definitely not least...

· You've had your first kiss.