Hollywood Cows
by DanKitti & KC
The Johnny Carson Show was going along as usual, when June Lockhart, tonight’s special guest, made a comment about how she had difficulty understanding the Sunday Comics in the newspaper.
Johnny indignantly scoffed, “Those comics are so simple, even a cow could understand them!”
June Lockhart became furious. “Not only have you treated me rudely,” she cried, “but you have also insulted my species!” With that, June kicked off her shoes, and the audience gasped to see hooves instead of feet. She then ripped off her dress, revealing a cow body, complete with udders and tail.
“I am sick and tired of pretending to be human, and I get treated like this!” she went on.
Johnny Carson had never had anything like this happen on his show before, and in his panic, he accidentally ripped open his suit, revealing that he, too, was a cow!
Ed McMahon, Doc Severinson, and Tommy Newsome, each, in turn, took their suits off and proved themselves to be cows. Backstage, in the Green Room, Ben Affleck, who was waiting to go on the next segment, was amazed.
“Hmmm,” he thought, “I always wondered what those mooing sounds were, when Johnny was interviewing Charo. And similarly, when guest host Jay Leno was talking to Zsa Zsa Gabor.”
He then recalled how several major soap stars had confided in him how they were really cows. And now it seemed that it was inevitable that June Lockhart’s public exposure would cause all the cows to reveal their true forms.
The change in the entertainment industry would be profound, tho Ben had no idea what direction it would take. Ben’s fear was human actors would become relegated to being secondary to cows in movies and on TV shows. Sure, there would be “token human” parts available, but Ben had his heart set on lead parts. He decided to do whatever he could, to keep the cows from taking over, so he decided to pretend that he, too was a cow.
He quickly molded two styrofoam coffee cups to look like horns, and when he was introduced by Johnny, he walked onto the set of the show, mooing.
My latest moo-vie,” Ben told Johnny, “is going to be a very moo-ving experience. This enraged Johnny and the entire studio audience, who, ironically, were all cows. They knew Ben Affleck wasn’t a real cow, because of the highly unconvincing way he was mooing.
“Now wait a minute!” said Johnny, “You’re not a cow!” Everyone herded around Ben Affleck, who immediately ran out of the building and hailed a cab, hoping the driver wouldn’t be a cow.
Fortunately, the cab driver wasn’t a cow. But unfortunately, the cabbie turned out to be something much worse than a cow. The cabbie was a movie critic. But not just an average movie critic, because he believed that movies formed and controlled the consciousness of society. He was convinced that Ben Affleck was the worst example of how bland acting causes people to have a bland perception of reality. When the cabbie realized who was in his cab, he knew that this was his chance to change the future.
So he turned to Ben and said, “You know, it’s too bad what’s happening to Hollywood these days. It’s getting so you have to be a cow to be anyone important these days. Not that I mind, of course. In fact those cows are great tippers.”
He noticed that Ben Affleck was sort of half-listening to what the cabbie had to say. The cabbie asked, half-joking, “Did you ever wonder what it’s like to be a cow?” With that, the cabbie pointed a hypno-ray at Ben, who fell into a deep sleep.
Ben Affleck had a dream that he really was a cow, and he was before the cameras for his next film, ironically called “Dr. Moobius And His Trip To The Moon”. Ben Affleck woke up to the sounds of the latest fab hit pop group, The Moo-Moos, being played on the radio. The lyrics of the song told of a sad love relationship between two cows:
Oh my baby baby cow cow
You are so good to me, oh moo!
But I’m no good for you, oh moo!
Even when I’m in the mooood to
be with you, oh moo!
Ben Affleck realized he had been mooing along with the record, and came to attention all at once, shocked to discover that he was a cow! Now he didn’t have to worry about competing with cows any longer, he was now one of them. He immediately had the cabbie take him back to the Johnny Carson show, where the show was still being taped. He proudly went up on stage, and sat down in the guest stall.
During his absence, Moola von Barnsby, the famous interior decorator, had been a guest, and had done a special segment on the show, redecorating the studio in the new “Bovine Beautiful” style.
It seemed that all the pent-up Bovine energy was being released in a surge of creativity that was sweeping Hollywood in just one afternoon. As Ben Calf-leck (as he now claimed had always been his true name) stood in the stall, mooing like a true cow should, a hush came over the audience. Could they have been wrong before, and cruelly attempted to stampede one of their own?
Johnny asked what the cause for the transformation was, and Ben said that he had been planning on acting in a movie where humans tried to impersonate cows, but did it badly. Ed McMahon then stood up and patted Ben Calf-leck on the back with his hoof, and Johnny told the audience to give Ben a round of applause for the great job of acting he had done.
That night, when the cow-revelation show was aired across the country, everyone stayed home to watch it on TV. All the local and network TV stations aired news reports of the startling revelations of the famous Hollywood Cows. Even Charles Nelson Reilley, who was well known as a dairy farmer and gourmet chef, was in great suspense. But when they turned on The Tonight Show expecting to see everyone turn into cows, they were shocked and amazed to find that they were just as human as ever.
Even when June Lockhart ripped off her dress, everyone was surprised to see a naked *human*, not a cow! It seemed the cab driver’s hilarious prank, pointing a hypno-ray at people to make them think they were really cows, was a huge success, and altho it had been partly successful on Ben Affleck, where he at least thought he saw them as cows, the extra booster-shot did the job of convincing him the rest of the way.
Meanwhile, Timmy and Lassie, watching the show in two different states, since they had stopped being friends, each got a completely different message, thinking June Lockhart had been having a nervous breakdown, since they were no longer together. Timmy immediately phoned Lassie. The two vowed to be friends always, and both flew off to the Grand Canyon for a tearful reunion the next day.
(the end)
