My sister's getting a new apartment. My friends from home are talking about something inane. I still haven't been emailed back by my landlord. Youtube is pushing notifications for videos I don't care about. What should I do with the rest of my day? I didn't have enough time left to properly get started on work and I wasn't hungry enough to cook anything. 19:23. They'll be back soon. If I was gonna stay in the living room I'd have to do something with them...
Settings says I've spent an hour more on my phone this week. A new chapter of the manga I'm reading is out. I need to get moving. I left for my room just in time to see my housemates open the front door. The comp sci students - Jason and Lewis - had walked back together but no conversation was happening.
Jason disappeared upstairs pretty quickly, I'd always heard he was good fun to be around but he was never in the same room as me for long enough to find out. "I'm gonna watch the new JJK episode if you wanna join." As he said this, Lewis headed into the living room I'd barely escaped from.
"Yeah, give me a sec." The words left my mouth before I could stop them and I'd resigned myself to 20 more minutes sitting on a couch doing nothing. As he turned on the TV I responded to David, my therapist saying I'd be in for another session come Monday. Sooner it starts I guess. "You doing anything this weekend?"
"Nah, why? You got something planned?"
"No." He flashed me a look that seemed to say 'then why ask'. I turned back to the TV. I'll go revise after this episode. No matter how many times I checked his face, it never changed.
My weekend passed by having done nothing and before I knew it I was back in that chair, staring out that window once again.
"What's on your mind?" I didn't respond for a while.
"I'm just... Thinking. Until a few weeks ago I'd only experienced death once when my grandad died last year but I can't shake this feeling." He leaned forward slightly.
"Feeling?"
"That I know a lot more dead people than I thought." The sounds of his pen filled the room.
"What do you mean by that?" Even if he asks something like that...
"I don't know, I haven't worked it out yet."
"That's fine, we can come back to that. How'd your weekend go? Did you do anything with your friends?" I shook my head and his expression changed. "I'm noticing you're very confused currently. I can understand you don't want to talk much about what's happening so how about we look towards the future instead? Why is it you're going to unive-"
"Can you cut the shit already?" He paused. "I don't know how therapy's supposed to work but I know when someone's shit at their job. Just ask me about him already."
"I don't think you're ready to talk about that currently." We sat in silence for close to a minute. "How long have you been lying for?"
"Huh?"
"For someone so young, you're incredible at it, I'd know." He wasn't too old, barely into his late 30's by looks alone, he'd shaved recently but stubble was beginning to show and his brown eyes looked through me as though I was transparent.
"I haven't lied to you though?"
"I know. Look, I'm here to help you but I can only do that if you cooperate with me. What are you studying for?"
"I'm doing a maths degree." He prompted me to go on. "I don't know what I want to do after uni, I did accounting over summer last year and I've got a placement coming up but I haven't found anything I'm interested in yet."
"Surely you've had a career in mind at some point."
"I used to want to be a surgeon but my hands aren't steady enough and control exercises seemed like a lot of effort."
"Hobbies?"
"Not really, nothing important at least."
"Would you say you have a good grasp on your emotions?"
"More than most people."
"How have you been feeling recently then?"
"I've been okay."
"Do you feel alive?" ...
"I don't know." He tapped his pen.
These exchanges continued throughout our allotted hour until he decided we'd done enough for the day.
"Okay, we're gonna leave a bit more time until your next session this time so you can have a think about what we've covered today, how about friday?" I nodded. "By next session I want you to have joined the drama society at your university."
"Wait what? Why?"
"It's everything you're good at combined with everything you want, trust me."
"It's too late in the year to start joining societies now."
"Join anyway, it'll be fun for you." Our eyes met but I quickly looked away, his gaze was hard to keep.
"Fine."
YOU ARE READING
The Last Domino
General FictionA struggling university student faced with challenges for the first time in his life is forced to reconsider his outlook on life after witnessing his friend's suicide.
