"I miss you grandad" I said over a Facetime call whilst he was sat in a hospital bed.
Grandad had just had a heart attack... he was in hospital recovering after a heart surgery.
My grandad was my hero. One of the only people I looked up to.
Grandad was so strong. He was so happy. He was the best grandad I could've ever asked for.
It shocked me. It came out of no where. He'd struggled with his lungs for a very long time but never anything to do with his heart.
I remember dad calling me saying "Danielle, grandad has gone to hospital, he's had a heart attack" I remember instantly panicking, thinking the worst case. "What, Is he okay? Is he alive" I said with my heart in my throat.
"Yes babe he's alive, he's just recovering" this was the biggest relief to me. I hadn't lost him. He was still here.
I remember wanting to go see him but I couldn't get the time because of work. Work was strict and they didn't like me taking time off. The hospital visiting times stopped after I finished work so I could never go.
Whilst he was in hospital I remember constantly worrying, thinking about him, wondering if he was okay. My nan and dad gave me constant updates which I greatly appreciated. They knew how close me and grandad was.
I went to work as normal and was waiting for an update about grandad. I called dad to see if he had heard anything. He had.
"He's having heart surgery, he's got a blocked artery" Instant panic and shock again. The same questions went through my brain "Is he going to be okay" "This is the heart.. couldn't he die?" "Can I go and see him". Dad told me not to worry and that everything would be fine. I wasn't sure if I believed him but I said "okay dad" anyway.
I'm a worrier. I panic and overthink a lot. I went back to work and my mind was constantly thinking about this surgery.
I remember going home, talking to dad and asking him when the surgery was going to be. "Tomorrow at some point" I replied with "What do you mean at some point?" confused and alarmed. "They aren't sure of a time yet Danielle, but calm down it'll be okay".
Tomorrow arrived and it was surgery day. A work day again for me. I remember messaging dad every 30 minutes asking "Is he out yet" and I got the same response of "No not yet". I remember thinking "Come on grandad, you're going to be okay".
3 hours went by.. I was still working.
I felt a vibration on my desk. I looked down and it was my dad ringing me. I sprinted out of the office to answer and awaited the news.
"He's out of surgery" dad said. The relief was so high. "Is he okay" I said. Dad replied with "Yeah he's okay but very tired so don't go ringing him okay?"
I agreed not to call but did message my nan asking to speak to grandad when he was stable.
It got to the end of my shift and I Facetimed my grandad. When he answered and I saw his face I had the biggest smile on my face. He was attached with wires and heart monitoring things but he was okay. He looked tired but he was okay.
"Hey babe" he said. "Hey grandad, how are you" I replied. We spent the next 5 minutes talking about my day and how he was. He told me he should be released from the hospital tomorrow, they just needed to monitor him after the surgery.
I spoke to nan and agreed that I could go and see him at the weekend after the Portchester Gala, providing he was okay and home from the hospital.
The weekend arrived. It was the day of the gala and the day that I got to see Grandad again.
I spent the morning at the gala, it was great. I was excited to go and see grandad and tell him about it. He would've loved it.
The afternoon came by and I was finished at the gala. I called nan and said "I'm going to be round shortly" she responded with "Ah hi darling, look grandad isn't feeling great at the minute, he's very tired, can you come round another time when he's feeling better?" I remember thinking "Is he okay, I hope he is" but I responded to nan with "Yeah nan that's okay, just let me know when is a better day to come round"
Sunday came through quickly and I had a missed call from dad. I was confused to why he'd called me so early. I called him back and he said that Grandad went back to hospital last night. I thought the worst and said worriedly"Is he okay, what's happened" dad said he'd had another heart attack and got rushed to hospital again. He told me in depth what had happened... Even though I wasn't there, the image was so clear in my head.
He said that nan called the ambulance early hours of the morning because grandad couldn't breathe. He said that the fire department and the ambulance were all in their bedroom trying to help grandad and get him out of bed. Dad told me that my mates dad was there too. He's a fireman, so he helped grandad. I remember messaging my friend later that day to say "Can you tell your dad thankyou, he wen't to an emergency for my grandad last night and he helped him"
Anyway back to the point, Grandad was okay. He was alive but struggling. I had so many things going through my mind but I just prayed that grandad was okay.
I remember begging dad to let me go see him in hospital, but I wasn't allowed. He said grandad didn't look great and he didn't want me or any of the other grandkids to see him that way.
I was upset but accepted it but asked for constant updates.
They kept him in for a couple more days, to monitor him.
A day had passed. I wasn't sure when he was coming out. No one did.
I remember I didn't talk to grandad much that day, he was just very tired and to be honest he was struggling. His heart was struggling.
It was the morning of the next day. Sunday. Father's day. I woke up and messaged dad to say "Happy father's day" along with a nice message, it was about 6:40 that I woke up and Around half 7 that I messaged dad.
In return I received a phone call. I thought "christ he saw my message quickly". I answered the phone and said "hey dad". Of the back of that dad replied to me and said "Danielle, grandad died this morning." I remember instantly screaming. my heart sunk. I screamed "No". I remember I woke the whole household up that morning. My heart had just shattered. Everything froze and the tears just poured from my face.
The phone call ended and I messaged dad "How did he die dad"... "He had a massive heart attack". My poor grandad. I remember having so many questions. "Did he die at home or in the hospital" "Did he die alone" "Can I see him" all of my questions got answered.
Everything hurt. I was in so much pain.
2 weeks passed and the funeral happened. I had previously gone to see grandad in the coffin so seeing him in the casket in the back of the car killed me.
The funeral was painful.
So painful.
At the end of the funeral... I went up to the coffin.
The last thing I said before I left that room?
"I miss you grandad"
