There were few times in Y/n's life that she felt truly angry, referring to the kind of anger that overwhelmed your body and swallowed you whole with a sort of shaking, uncontrolling feeling. It happened a few times when she was a teenager and in a fight with her parents where it was clear they just weren't hearing her, once in her freshman year of college when her boyfriend at the time cheated, and in her early twenties as she sat in the middle of a busy restaurant, staring at the empty seat in front of her that should have been filled by her boyfriend as they celebrated their three year anniversary. The dinner had been planned for weeks and Y/n had taken every single detail into account, down to the dress she was wearing, because Lando and her were in the midst of a rough patch. Foolishly, she had thought that this dinner and reminiscing on the years they had spent together would help to bring back the love they shared which was becoming a forgotten thought in the midst of every screaming match.
However, with the knowledge that he was already an hour late, the chair was still empty, and he hadn't texted or called to let her know he would be late, Y/n knew Lando wasn't coming because he had forgotten their day. The events that had transpired in front of her were sinking. She felt as if her whole body dropped and was sucked into a dark void of abandonment and betrayal. As she sat in her chair and got lost in the commotion of the establishment, her mind tried to claw at its walls to get her out of the dark place, but nothing was working. She could feel the tears rising in her throat and the air in her lungs being removed, so she called it quits. Rising from her chair and giving her phone one more glance to see if maybe he would show up this time, she threw down some cash for the wine she had ordered two glasses of because she knew it was his favorite. She got pitiful looks from her waiter and the hostess, even customers who had acknowledged one person sitting all alone at a two-person table.
Once she got into her car, the tears were cutting off her airway as they shred her throat from the inside out because she wouldn't allow them to fall out of her eyes. She pushed through the sadness, or at least tried to, as she turned the vehicle on and started its engine. Her hands hit the steering wheel and as the cool leather rubbed beneath her palms she was reminded of Lando and the time he had described to her how the steering wheel was the only thing that grounded him in the middle of a race. At the reminder, she lost control of her body and it wracked with heavy, loud sobs. The wet droplets coated her cheeks as the darkness in her mind took over.
Have you ever felt a kind of sadness that made everything around you dim? The sort of loneliness that ceased any kind of feeling of being alive in your own body, your own life? The kind of sadness that didn't seem to stop or have a way out?
Y/n had.
—
Being touched by him didn't feel the same anymore.
Every hug and hand around the waist only symbolized the idea that he was right next to her, but so far away. When she had gotten home that night and found out he had been out at the bar with his friends, his mind miles away from their anniversary, Y/n had decided she wouldn't remind him of the milestone until he remembered on his own. So, when he came home hours later and had gotten into bed with her, she pretended to be asleep. She wouldn't wait up for him like she used to or guide him in the right direction with her words because she was exhausted. She was exhausted from not being prioritized, from not feeling loved by her own boyfriend, from feeling used, from knowing he was capable of treating her better, but just wouldn't, and so many other things.
That night, he had reached out to hold her hand, but his palm never met hers. It was almost as if he hesitated in the darkness of the night. His hand had shuffled around under the covers until it came to rest right beside hers and just when she thought he would connect them, he pulled his away.
