Love, Nevada.

Thursday Blues

I didn't feel like going to work tonight. At all.

I felt drained... like a mixture of tiredness, sadness and anxiety washing over me.

I completely shut down this morning, and couldn't sleep last night because of nightmares and panic attacks. I'm not sure what's going on with me, but I have to get it together before work... or I'll pay the price for it.
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I got out of bed and stretched my body completely to awaken every part of me. I ended up sitting on the bed, staring at the wall for 5 minutes.

As I sat there, I felt a warm sensation in my chest and a really strong feeling that something good may come along today. Although deep down I believe nothing will happen, I always have some kind of motivation to help me through this difficult journey we call life. I make it my mission to keep going, and work hard for what I want. Even at the cost of my own happiness.

I eventually got out of my head to start preparing myself for work in a few hours, I start my routine with a warm, brisk shower, and brushing my teeth with charcoal paste right after.

I scrolled through Instagram as I brushed my teeth, just to see the latest news on other people's lives and new games that recently came out. It was boring so I went to Twitter, Facebook and Snapchat.

Nothing. Nothing. More Nothing.

I stopped scrolling so I thought about my plans for the day. First I bartend for the day (until 6), then I babysit until 12 am for a very nice (and rich) family. Then I FaceTime the owner of the house at 8 am tomorrow. Everything is scheduled to run smoothly and without conflict, and I'm hoping today lives up to my expectations.

I was finished with my teeth, so I left the bathroom to get ready.

As I started to get dressed, I admired myself for a while before becoming fully dressed.

I realized that I didn't take any medication lately.

Now my emotions are going haywire again, great.

I stood there for a while... eventually, I felt like crying. It was weird that I felt this way as soon as I noticed something was wrong, but the human body works in mysterious ways.

The feeling of despair washed over me so quickly, that I didn't have time to respond to it. I felt really upset and a bit embarrassed that this is happening, especially at freshly 17 years old.

It took me a while to compose my emotions and become stable again for work. I also took a few medication pills before I forget again. Now, I'm finally ready to start working, and seize the day.
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I arrived at work, and felt a little better than before. I clocked in and mingled with my colleagues before I started my shift. It was a decent chat, but the smell of cheap perfume thrown me off so much that I decided to leave the back room and start my shift early.

It's 2:50.

A priest from the nearby church arrived at the bar, and asked for a strawberry margarita with sugar rims. I'm surprised he was here, especially with a strong faith that's against exotic dancers. He looks familiar, but I may know him from a past encounter, like a party or large get together.

He stopped looking around, and looked at me. He has cold, dead eyes that scared me for a moment. I never had that feeling before, from anyone. As I made his drink, he talks to the manager about the food here, and about the women who works here also. He whispers to the manager while looking at me, then smirks lightly. I'm terrified at the sight of him staring, but smirking was icing on the cake, and caused me to almost have a panic attack. I finished his drink off with the sugar rims and a lime, and handed it to him slowly. He nodded and payed me full in cash, even giving me a large tip of 10 dollars. I thanked him again, and told him I appreciated his kindness. He was very generous, but still stared me down as I walked to the back room.

My anxiety ran up as I put the tips in my purse.

As I closed and locked my locker, everything was getting worse, including my anxiety.

I took many deep breaths until I felt calmer again. Then, that feeling came back immediately. I kept breathing, in and out. In and out.

I'm fine.

Right?

I looked at the clock and it was 3 pm. Everyone was arriving for work and I left the room to finish bartending.

Surprisingly, the priest was still there. The man was finished with his drink, but started to mingle with other priests and the manger. I asked him for permission to take his cup and he looked immediately at me. After he said yes, he stared at me... again.

I stared back at him, and he smiled softly. I know this man from somewhere... I don't know where through.

He finally spoke to me, but I was surprised with his voice as he speaks to me. It was kind of funny, but I refrained from laughing so I don't lose my tips.. or job.

"Do I know you? Or do I know someone that's related to you?"

I told him he looked familiar to me but I didn't know why. We both pondered for a moment, and I still thought about him as I took another order from a young woman.

I got it! - He says

I looked at him, and raised my eyebrows as a gesture.

You worked for my brother before as a mini nun at the church. - He explained

Oh yeah... that nun job. - I reply, unenthusiastic.

I used to work for random people to get extra money for my old home. Before rent became too high for me, it was easier working two jobs with no sweat or complaints.

One of those random people was William Brown, a retired priest at the local church. He gave me a job as a mini "nun" (whatever that means) and told me run certain errands for him. I did them, but I got so bored that I quit my job six months later. William was nice, but as I spoke to his brother, I think his brother is way better than him. No offense, William.

I finished the woman's order and earn a ten dollar tip from her. I thanked her enthusiastically and placed the money in my pocket for later.

As I worked through every customer, the priest and I talked for a few hours until he left to go home to see his wife. He waved his hand out the door, while telling me it was good to see me. I wave back at him, as I cleaned the bar for the night.

It was 5:55. I'm clocking out of here.
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