Brain wins over heart: "Just say you love me."

July 21 2023

"I don't want to hold you back." I start my monologue which I've rewritten in my head a million times and escaped from delivering just as many times. I can see him furrowing his eyebrows with confusion. He rarely makes that facial expression, but when he does, it's for real. He has no idea what I'm about to say. "Even before we met I felt worried about our cultural differences, our different upbringings and preferences of living. But I brushed them away, listening to my heart instead and to what it said about that those things don't matter when you love someone." Damn it, I forgot how I should've phrased that sentence. J has even a deeper confusion on his face, but I can see anger mixed with it. I continue, now looking at my feet cause I can't stand hurting him with my next planned words. "But I've taken so much of your time and your team is frustrated at me for that. I know you would never admit it, but I'm making things harder for you in your career. Which you've worked for all your life. I won't drag you down any further. Let's brea-" "No. Don't finish that sentence. I have to tell you some things before." J stops me in my monologue. This wasn't the plan damn it.. Before I can continue he takes the lead.

"Look, yes, you've turned my world upside down Zsófi." He looks deeply into my eyes doing his best to assure I understand every word he's telling me. And I certainly, definitely did. "I thought I knew what I wanted in my life. Where I wanted to live, what more I wanted to achieve in my career. I almost had everything figured out. But not you. You changed everything." He blurts out and I look down, feeling shame wash over me.

"And yes, you changed my view of the world, my priorities and what I what. Cause I want you now. Our differences bring us closer, I read books in secret to learn more about your culture, I want to adapt to your lifestyle. I want to live where you are and nothing else matters for me. What I felt important before, they've become meaningless since you've shown me your world." He almost yells at me to make sure his thoughts really reach me. I stand in front of him, all of my insides are jumping because of my emotions, but my body stands motionless. He continues even though he doesn't receive any sign of ease from my end.

"Now everything you care for, I care for them too. Everything you like, I want to learn about them, so we can have more things in common. You're such a force, yet the most gentle person I know. Every day I see you I want even more of you. I don't know, but my thoughts of you keep me up at night. Sometimes I can't fucking focus on anything, you take up every space of my brain. Like a drug, I just want more and more of you. Like, I need you. What else could I possibly say for you to finally see that you're what I want!? Like every part of you, not just the nice and shiny shit. When you cry and yell at me, I somehow love you even more. Every time since we've met, you've intrigued me and I've never felt that way for anyone before." He rambles and I don't think he even took a new breath while saying all of those words which still have left my body feeling paralyzed. My every doubt that I've previously spat out has been erased one by one by each of his sentences. I slowly look up at him, feeling more confident that he really means everything he's saying.

"That's why I've been distracted from work, I barely care about it anymore. I want my every second to revolve around you and us." "But I can't ask that of you, I'm not gonna." I interrupt him since my brain wins over my melting heart. "You're not asking anything of me. I'm asking you to respect my decision and wants." I feel my eyes open widely and I'm slowly comprehending what J just told me. All this time, I thought I was a bad influence on him. But he really just loves me.

"Oh J.. I- I don't know what to say.." I confess since I really am at a loss of words. Both my brain and heart weren't ready for something like this. "Just say you love me. That's enough for me." The tear I've just built, falls down on my cheek and I tell him with every possible piece of me. "I love you."