autumn sweethearts

why is everything so complicated?

Why, why, why, just.. why? Why is she teasing me. I just want everything to make sense, why doesn't anything make sense.
"hey uh lily, are you alright?" my manager says I don't know why because I was sure she hated me, why would she ask if I'm ok?
what is happening, I don't understand.
"mhm" I mutter whilst trying to get my cigarette out of the case,
"You should stop uh, that. Its not good for you baby"
Did she just fucking call me baby? Is she trying to say I'm under her, how dare she even have the audacity, or maybe she's just trying to comfort me - why am I so angry lately?
"ok I'll try" I manage to get those words out atleast. A couple of hours later I finish cleaning and start making coffee, I miss Halloween now i have to deal with winter. I hate winter. Ophelia walked into the shop, she comes everyday at exactly 2:00pm and orders the same thing, she must have a schedule. I'll ask; I'm curious.
"Hey, the usual?" I say to her already grabbing the coffee mug.
"Yep! Hey you like my outfit? I thrifted it."
She excitedly moved her arms up and down for some reason, uh its kind of weird.
But I do start jumping when I get excited so it's probably something like that,
"Hey uh- you have a schedule? You come here like every day same time same drink. Also I love your outfit, especially the flares!" I finally asked, why am I so curious? Why do i keep asking myself questions-
"uh so I have this thing where if I don't have a schedule I have like a mental breakdown because everything needs to he in order and done, I don't know why, also the thing I was just doing with my arms is called a stim, I do it when I'm excited!"
okay wow thats.. alot of information.
"cool!" I didnt really know what to say-
"Not really, I get stared at weirdly, I don't like being stared at it makes me anxious."
Shit I messed up, how the fuck is that cool?
"Sorry i- uh- here's your coffee! Also I'm suprised you haven't called me darling yet?" I laugh and for some reason she blushes? Wait, is she, into me? No, never. She's probably straight and has a boyfriend! Like me? Speaking of which,
"BABYYYYY, MY GIRLLLLL, DARLING?" he just had to shout, I held my head in my hands.
"Guessing that's my cue, see you tommorrow sweetie" she winks and walks to the table near the window with a beautiful view of the lake and the neighbourhood. She's just sat there drawing I wonder what she's drawing though? Probably the view, she's really pretty..
"LILY!" elijah screamed (my boyfriend) he is a total extrovert, we are complete opposites!
"Hey could you tone it down a little bit..? People are staring.." I whisper, fixing his tie,
"And what are you holding behind your back?" I say.
"lily." He gets down on one knee,
"Your the best thing that has ever happened to me, will you.. marry me darling?"
Is he seriously doing this in my workplace, everyone was staring at me, can everyone just not? Ever heard of some privacy, I suppose I'm being proposed to but you don't have to stare, they are all waiting for an answer, "i- I just," I mutter and immediately run into the storage room,
"What is my deal with fucling running away?" My hands were shaking, my mind kept telling me that everyone was judging me, i couldn't do this, I fucking punched the  wall, why? I don't know- and broke down, broke. down.

"Why does everything have to be so complicated? I'm eighteen. I don't want to get married yet."

Elijah knocked on the door,
"Lily? Im sorry, I know you get panic attacks i should've done it in a private space. I'm sorry, but.. what's your answer?"
Is he seriously STILL asking?
"no, I don't want to get married yet, I'm sorry I just, can't do this, I'm not ready."
My voice trembling, my whole body shaking like I'm in fucking Antarctica.
He stops for a moment to think.
"Well then I don't want to be with you, I want to get married, it's not going to work out" he shouts and then walks out of the cafe in a huff.

I laugh, "you don't get everything you want, your being pathetic elijah."