I really haven't had that exciting of a life. There are a lot of things I wish I would have done, instead of just sitting around and complaining about having a boring life. So I pretty much like to make it up.
My name is Sterline Joseph , I'm from Haiti.i came to united state when I was 15 . I always thinking that coming to a big country like that was the big dream for me ever ...
I grow up with my auntie , I didn't know who my mom was until I was 12 same thing for my dad .I had a thought life but I didn't care .
I have A life that seems to only be a dream. Life, family, friends, everything so distant as if it was never there. Pretending to be happy, to be sad, to be angry, What are real emotions? How will I know when it's real? Is everything real at all? I don't know anymore, there's nothing to know in the first place. Everyone is laughing, joking, crying, and I'm there with them, but without feeling a thing, it doesn't seem real, at least not to me, they don't know what is in my head or they just ignore it, who would care anyway it's not like I'm really that important.
Mom, dad, brothers, sisters, friends.... there so easy to forget, so easy to fade from existence. Everyone says that the eyes are like a portal to the soul, but that is a complete lie, no one knows my real soul nor they try to know it but how can they? I'm hiding everything beneath a world made of paper, of fragile paper that no one can break, they don't know it's paper.
Now I'm 21 years old, I've been living in this little world of mine since I remember, but these last few days (maybe months) I've been having more weird thoughts and I think that after all my little life I'm finally confusing my reality. To tell the truth I don't know why I started to hide behind a mask, I didn't ask for it, I have a loving family, with sins and faults, great friends, everything is fine, except me, I feel trapped or maybe I don't feel any of that, maybe it's just another part of my brain reacting, maybe there was nothing to begin with. It could be the beginning of nothing, of everything, does it matter if you can't love? I know I'm not devoid of emotions but they are so hard to feel, even if I cry I just feel numb, like someone else took my pain, my sadness, my life, who am I living for?
So alone, so cold, so dark in a place no one can reach, so far away from understanding, there's no time in this lonely room, no light no walls, it looks just like a bottomless abyss, but I can't fall because I'm already at the bottom. I'm sure that when I was kid I had something in me that made me enjoy the little things of life, I'm sure that in one point I didn't have to pretend. It's real but it's not at the same time, I can't explain what I don't know, what I can't feel. Now that I'm gonna have a baby I feel a little bit different in every way something keep telling me that my life is not over yet I keep fighting for what I want . People said that I will never be somebody well they wrong ... All I want to do is finish my education be somebody that my child will learn from .
I don't like telling people what's on my mind ,what I think or who I am . Yeah I love to laugh but sometimes I hated myself for messing up I always wanted to be somebody that mom would lean on or proud of but hey I disappointed her . People take me as somebody that I'm not sometimes that make me over thinking ,make me wanna do something that I don't wanna do but I realize that's not a option , I let them talk . I tried to kill myself twice being in the hospital for 3months I was 17 I've being trough a lot of things but I keep my head held high just for me and my mom
have always felt like nothing and nobody cares about me in the world.
Always been the one who follows not leads. Even my family makes me feel like that. Be that one girl that puts a smile on her face every day and makes it look like shes having fun. I've never dated anyone, no one thinks I'm pretty.
Maybe if people start to get to now me they'll know I'm smart, I'm funny, and I'm nice. But no body gives me a chance.
Never had somebody to lean on. No one to talk to. Have more brothers than sisters. Family hates me now. It's very lonely.I know I'm not perfect. And I know my life ins't perfect.
Nobody knows the real me. People have made me feel useless to the world. I know I'm useless. I've never cut or planned on doing it even though my life is terrible.
I could just die right now and nobody could care. Because I mean no one knows me. No one cares to get to know me.
