Chris's POV
It's late by the time I get home. Almost one. I sigh, and rub my neck as I walk through the living room, and dump my car keys on the couch. I count the steps I take as I walk up the stairs.
I walk into the bathroom, and pull off my shirt.
A million thoughts are going through my head. I don't want to think about anything at all. I'm sick of thinking and contemplating about small decisions; it isn't me.
I just do what I do in the moment, fuck who gets hurt in the process; I can always make it up to them; but that was the old me.
I hate hurting people. There's been times where I've done what I felt like, said what I felt like saying, and it hasn't been always right. I'm trying to grow, and learn to control myself, but I'm stuck.
I'm stuck with wanting to go with my heart, or stay safe with my head.
I lean against the sink, and stare at the shower, watching the hot water just fall. It's somehow peaceful. I'm still in my pants and socks, so I yank off my socks, and strip my pants off. I'm in my boxers, and I fold my arms, still trapped in my own thoughts.
"Baby?"
It takes me a few minutes to realise Ammika is standing at the door, and I look at her.
"You okay, baby? I heard you walk up the stairs, but you didn't come to bed yet." She says softly. "I heard the water running.."
"It's all good." I give her a short nod. "I just thought I'd have a quick shower before I come to bed."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
I'm avoiding her gaze, so she walks over. Gently, she touches my chest, travelling her hands upwards onto my arms, lightly rubs at them, then wraps her arms around my neck. Instinctively, I wrap my arms around her waist.
"I don't deserve you," I whisper; I just want her and her only to hear this. "I don't want to hurt you."
She says nothing, but smiles at me. I'm still avoiding her gaze; I can't look at her in the eye. I'm too embarrassed. I can't help but feel guilty.
I snap out of my thoughts as I feel her lips against my cheek; she pecks at my cheek, then my lips, and then my neck.
Does she really want this now?
When I'm having a crisis?
I push her off; and she looks at me, confused. I know I'm turning her down, but I don't want her. She needs to know that.
I close my eyes; and a few seconds later, I feel her touch; my arms, chest, neck, lips. I turn my body away, and my eyes open, meeting her eyes.
"No. I'm not in the mood." I snap. "Just go to bed. I'll come a bit later."
She stares at me.
I stare back.
"You're a dick."
"I know."
And I hate it.
| A/N :
hi babies. going to try and give you a few more chapters today, since I've been gone for a month or so. what y'all think of this chapter? and the last chapter? let me know ur thoughts 💆🏽♀️ |
