Hello, Benj.

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[Gmail]

from: Shevy De Guzman <shevydeguzman1997@gmail.com>

to: benjcillo000@gmail.com

date: 30 July 2023, 23:11

subject: Hello, Benj.

It's been a month since your last message to me. As always, I have a lot of things in my mind. I won't tell you all about it, I just want to...

Here it goes.

I love you. I know you know that. Pero hindi pa ako handa sa hinaharap na binubuo mo. Alam ko na sanay kang maghintay. Alam ko na hihintayin mo ako kahit ano ang mangyari. But like what you've said, we've been together for five years. Five years of relationship, and yet I'm not ready to be with you. Masaya ako sa tuwing naririnig ko ang lahat ng plano mo. I can imagine all of that. But I'm sorry, there's always a doubt—not in you, but in me. Can I be a good wife to you? Can I be a good mother to our children? How can I be a good housewife if I cannot cook or iron my clothes? Can I live with you without asking for help from my mother? To my parents? You know that I haven't lived independently yet. Again, how can I live with you if I cannot even take care of myself?

That's why I let you go. Dahil ayaw kitang matali sa isang gaya ko na walang kasiguraduhan sa buhay. Gusto ko na humanap ka ng iba. 'Yong sigurado na rin sa future. 'Yong handa nang makasama ka. 'Yong buo na. For five years, we always stick to each other, making other people wonder why are we still not tired of each other. And to tell you, I'm very proud of us. Na hindi talaga tayo nagsasawa sa isa't isa.

But that's the exact reason why I decided to break-up with you. Dahil baka nasanay ka na lang sa akin. Dahil baka may ibang tao pala talaga para sa'yo pero dahil nakatali ka sa akin kaya hindi mo siya makita. Kaya kung sakali mang makakakita ka ng iba, hindi ako magagalit. Dahil unang-una, ako ang nakipaghiwalay. Pangalawa, wala na akong karapatan. And if ever you find the right one, please know I will be happy for you.

But please, don't get me wrong. I love you. I will always love you. I never got tired of loving you.

Na isa pang dahilan kung bakit ako nakipaghiwalay.

Again, I haven't live independently yet. Bukod sa mga magulang ko, ikaw ang laging nandiyan para sa akin. Sa'yo ako laging nakadepende. When things became bitter, you will make everything sweet. Tingnan mo, hiwalay na tayo pero sinong tinakbuhan ko nong wala na akong mapagsabihan ng problema ko? Ikaw. Sa'yo pa rin ako nauwi. Pero paano kung wala ka? Paano kung hindi mo ako nakitang umiiyak sa coffee shop? Paano kung hindi ka nag-message sa akin? Ano sa tingin mo ang gagawin ko?

That's what I want to answer—but by myself only.

I'm trying to figure things out on my own. Please don't get me wrong. I appreciate your help, your words, but I need to learn how to stand on my own. Without you, without my parents.

It's so cliché but... I really need to find myself, Benj.

I love you.

Always.

Shevy "Benj's Love" De Guzman