it is what it is

etiamsi me terret

I was trying to just walk through the world.
To pass by, unnoticed, unscathed.
Then you took a liking.
To my ugly mind.

You said hi.
In a scripture that people use nowadays.
I was reluctant, untrusting and unsure.
Though you're miles away,
It was the darkest days of me yet you held out your hand.

I took it.
But I held back.
You knew that for sure.
I did not know how to deal with things,
Even with myself.

Yet you were there.
I pushed you away.
And away once more.
Then I planted myself in a situation where I couldn't stand.

Like a firefly in the middle of nowhere.
You were there again.
You lent a light for my guide.
Then when I found the crooked road,
I left you nowhere again.

I guess you ran out of light for me.
It was me who never opened the door when you were calling out.
Life as it is,
I faced another brawl.

I thought of you.
Just a bit.
There and then I realized that you never really needed much from me.
After all, who am I?

I only remember you in times I was on my low.
Though I did remember you everyday,
It wasn't that much of a reminisce until that day you never replied.

I waited hours.
Then days. It turned into months.
I was wondering how are you.
Did you have someone to say
'good morning babe. How was your day?'.

The realization hit like an avalanche to my heart.
I was chasing people.
Trying to please people who never bat an eye to me.
When there you were, just needed my time and the time I gave was half lived.

I stopped then.
I cut people off like a knife to butter.
It wasn't love I felt for them.
It was the need to be loved and need to be acknowledged.

You gave it all to me and I slew it to waste.
There I thought of you saying
'kakauwi ko lang from work babe. I love you.'
To someone else,
Made me mad at you.

Months past.
I had me buck up myself.
No point in crying over spilled milk.
I'm still in a bit tight situation but it was much better than before.

I polished myself.
Though I wasn't ready to be someone else's.
I try to stop thinking about you and what we could have had.
Then you said,
'How are you?'

You said you came home.
You were here and I realized I wanted to take a chance.
I thought you were with someone new.
Someone who could give you what I never could.

Then you said no. You had no one.
I was very happy.
Didn't you know?
I was really really glad.

Then you asked me again.
Asking how I have been.
I really thought you were just playing on me.
To make me feel what I made you feel.

But you were not.
You're as real as reality could get.
We never got the chance to meet but I said yes.
I say to myself that it's different this time.

And different it is.
Part of me didn't want to get an apartment is because I know that it's a step.
Hypothetically, we're gonna be living together if that's gonna happen.

I was scared.
So scared.
You see I have a lot of issues and most of the times, I don't know how to deal with it.

But your assurance,
Your help.
Your kindness.
I trusted you with all of me because I know and feel that you trust me too.

So we did.
Hypothetically, we moved in together.
Fast track, and I'll always play this on repeat.
This scene is engraved in my heart.

Waited at least 2 hours for you at the airport.
We were messaging each other.
You just don't know how my hands shook when I was sitting there and sipping my fourth bottle of water.

I was sitting there for two hours, right?
But it felt like days.
I was nervous and happy at the same time.
Then I blamed myself for taking so much coffee from work.

I walked back and forth to the arrival area,
Waiting area and the parking lot.
I wanted to laugh at myself
I wanted to go back to the house.

I was scared.
Not of you.
Never of you.
But scared for what I was feeling.

Then there.
You said you're here.
I did not know if you noticed but my knees were shaking and my breath hitched a little.

I saw you.
I saw you first.
Every doubt was gone.
Every second thought is gone.

Then I hugged you.
You smell so good.
Tall just as I imagined.
Cuddly just as I wanted.

At that time,
I wanted to go home.
This time,
To go home with you.

Small talk in the car.
I can't help it,
I wanted to hug you again.
Cos you smell so good.

This is not the end.
This is not even a poem.
I will write some more.
I will make use of all the words I know,
to tell them our love story.

It might not be the greatest love story they will read.
But I have felt the greatest whenever I think about us;
Of how it came to this.

As I told you,
Now I know the reason I never had a home though I always seek.
Because you are my home.
And home is where I  belong.

I love you so much, babe.