Started: October 4, 2024
Finished: October 5, 2024
***
I needed to grow fast in order to survive.
"Anak, aalis muna si Mommy ha? Dito ka muna kay Daddy. Pagbalik ko, bibili tayo ng new clothes at shoes pati na rin gamit mo sa school.."
When I was 8, I heard my mom's voice break.
I begged her not to go. I pleaded not to leave me alone with my abusive Dad. But I have nowhere to go.. wala kaming kamag anak na pwedeng kumupkop sa akin. I was just 8, but I already knew the meaning of suffering because I was experiencing it.
"Oh, aalis ako. Ito ang pambili mo ng pagkain sa isang linggo. Babalik ako kapag nagpadala ulit ang nanay mo."
Daddy would always get every penny my Mom worked hard for. Bibigyan niya lang ako ng isang daan dahil bata naman daw ako, kapag naubusan daw ako ng pagkain dapat tiisin ko. I knew he was heartless. I knew he was not a good father.
I turned 10, and Mom hasn't come back home. Sa dalawang taon ay naging gano'n pa rin ang routine ng buhay namin ni Daddy. I got used to it. Until one day, nasaktan niya ako..
He always hurt me emotionally and mentally, and I endured that for years. Pero ngayon, ramdam kong namamaga ang pisngi ko dahil sa lakas ng sampal niya. Ngayon niya lang ako pinagbuhatan ng kamay. Pilit ko na lang iniisip na baka dahil 'yon sa alak na iniinom niya. Maybe he didn't really mean it because fathers do not hurt their children. He was demanding me to give him money just so he could treat his friends. Pero saan naman ako kukuha no'n? I was 10, and I was supposed to be outside, playing with kids. Kulang na lang ay pagtrabahuhin n'ya ako para tustusan ang bisyo n'ya.
Katulad ng pagmamakaawa ko noon kay Mommy na h'wag akong iwan.. gano'n din ang pagmamakaawa ko kay Daddy na huwag na akong saktan.
Palagi akong naiiwang mag isa sa bahay kapag walang pasok. Pero mas gusto ko iyon, mas gusto kong maging malungkot at mag isa kaysa sa pakiramdam na may kasama pero hindi ko naman maramdaman na may pagmamahal sa akin. Nasanay ako sa kalungkutan at katahimikan dahil kahit mag isa ako, alam kong mas ligtas ako. Ayoko na ring pumasok dahil miski sa paaralan ay hindi ko maramdaman ang importansya ko. Kids would throw crumpled papers at me and would always call me with unpleasant names.
Kapag family day, ako lang ang walang kasamang magulang. I used to tell kids that my father is dead because it's easier than telling them that he is abusive, alcoholic and doesn't take care of me.
Mommy would call and check on me, and I couldn't even say my true feelings because I'm afraid of what will happen if she finds out. Saka mahal na mahal niya si Daddy, baka mas gustuhin niyang ako na lang ang mawala o kaya naman, hindi n'ya ako paniwalaan.. katulad ng palaging pananakot sa akin ni Daddy. Wala naman akong magawa. I am just their daughter, and they loved each other first.
"Ibigay mo sa akin lahat ng padala ng nanay mo! Hindi ka makikinabang dito dahil puro problema ang dala mong lintik ka!"
There was a time when my teacher got worried because I entered school with bruises. Pumunta siya sa bahay para dalawin ako. Bumungad sa kan'ya ang maliit naming bahay, I let her in. Offered her some of the food I've been keeping from my dad. Pero nagulat ako nang may iabot siya sa akin na regalo. She knows my birthday? I was really confused because I stopped receiving gifts when I was 8. I have forgotten how happiness feels. Hindi ko alam kung masaya ba ako dahil nagbabadya ang luha ko. Why does happiness feel like crying?
Nang umuwi ang tatay ko, natakot ako. I was scared for my teacher's safety because I knew how cruel he could get. At paano kung lasing siya? I was afraid he'd also hurt her, so the moment he entered, humarang ako sa harap ni Ma'am. As if I was protecting her. Naramdaman ko pa ang pagdampi ng kamay ng teacher ko sa aking braso. She was confused.
