Maybe I'm Overthinking Everything

Am I The Problem

If I tell you a piece about a love I once experienced you wouldn't believe a love so toxic but yet so tongue tieing and soul pulling

I'm tryna change but the memories pull me back. I used to bash people who continually went back to toxic or there so called toxic relationships and to find myself in one is mind blowing, I used to say " I'll just leave If a man ever disrespected me like that " but here my dumba** go going back and fore to his man like stray cat with no home.

If you at the time ask me what was it I would've told you it's because I love him. But now everytime I think about it everytime the memory cross my mind I'll say it was the way he cared in the beginning before those scary nights of me running and hiding, flinching anytime someone raised a hand at me , scared to defend myself but defending him anytime someone said " GIRL JUST LEAVE YOU SO F***ING STUPID AT THIS POINT ITS LIKE YOU LIKE THE SH*T " if I told you how many friends and family  I lost you'd probably call me stupid to but I feel like you can relate but if I'm telling the truth I did like it. It was something about that feeling of pain and pleasure that sent shivers down my spine and quivers to my thighs and the wetness to my kitty. The first it happened I was shocked my brain froze in my head all I could think was " NO THIS NI**A DID NOT JUST HIT ME" but did I hit him back, before I could react I felt that feeling of excitement move though faster then anything. At one moment he stopped I think he knew , like he had me begging him to hit me to the point I started to provoke him but he didn't. I know why didn't he just leave ? It wasn't fun anymore especially those shivers and quivers turned into painfully nights or bruises and alot of makeup. Or was it the touch, his hand smoothly up and down my thighs, the deep stares, his scent alone did something to me, or was it the push and pull or the anticipation that had me thinking what was next. To y'all this sounds like childhood trauma presenting itself in adult form but it wasn't i had the perfect childhood even my therapist said so. I think I miss it but I can't go back now it's to late he's gone and I had to do it

Kisses😘😘