To My First Love

TMFL

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1st year

I still remember how you transferred to our school, you immediately caught my eye. I know I was so young, I was too young to know what love was but, I liked you since that day.

I remember telling my cousin how I deeply have a crush on you and the next day, he already told the whole class about it and that's how you found out. You were just smiling at me and it made my heart flutter so much I never knew that since that day, I wouldn't be able to let go of my feelings for you.

2nd year

My feelings for you were still there, and I'm always happy to see you, I was always happy to go to school and admire you even though other girls also like you. I was like "he's mine" because I was the first girl who liked you since you transferred. I was so possessive that I would even glare at other girls who expressed that they liked you.

What made me happy this year is that there was a debate between my friends and this other circle and you took our side because you knew that our claim was right. Even though I know it's general, I was so happy that you defended us, you supported me. I was still too young to feel true love, but I think I felt it right there.

3rd year

Do you remember how our adviser would tease me about you? She'd create stories of us about what our future would be. I was so happy but I don't know if you felt the same. Nevertheless, I was praying it would become true. I was praying that I could be with you in the future.

4th year

Because of my lacking grades, my mom decided to transfer me to another school which made me sad because I was too far from my friends, I was too far from you. I was always crying at the new school because I was anxious, I was unfamiliar with them all.

But then I had this classmate who looked like you. I had a crush on him and I was gaslighting myself that I could familiarize everything because of him but I just couldn't.

I begged my grandma to transfer me back to our school, and luckily she did. When I came back, my heart was very happy. I felt how my friends and classmates welcome me back and then there's you. I don't know if you smiled that day but I was just really glad that I saw you again. Our classmates even arranged our seats and they let me sit beside you. I missed you so much that since that day, I forgot about the boy who looked like you.

Since then, I started taking my studies seriously because I don't want to be transferred again, I don't want to be far from you again.

5th year

We were getting close, you were always teasing me and I always got mad resulting in me threatening you and your friends that I would throw your backpacks in the garbage.

I was so happy when I got your attention, thinking you'd like me back now so I confessed. I confessed with a lyric song, didn't I? Funny but sadly, you rejected me. It turned out, you liked our valedictorian.

I was hurt but since we were so young, it didn't last. You rejected me but I still liked you. I even gave you a bracelet right? The camouflage one?  That's from my uncle, he didn't even know that I took that from him. I was just so happy because I knew you would like it, it's your kind of style, wasn't it?

Sixth year

My feelings for you were still there but I was already telling myself to move on because there was no chance of you reciprocating my feelings. And the fact that you like somebody else, it was hurting me.

But after that school year, my family went to a beach and I encountered a bracelet vendor, the same as what I gave you but this time, it had a nameplate. I was about to give my name but then I thought of you. The nameplate was too small so I just gave the first three letters of your name. I was planning to give it to you but then I forgot. Up until now, the bracelet has been with me. When can I give it to you?

7th year

New school, we're not classmates anymore and that's sad. The good news was your classroom was just two classrooms away from mine. But, we rarely see each other. This year was really sad cause my feelings were fading.

This year also caused me pain when you introduced your first girlfriend to me. I told you I was happy for you but deep inside I was shattered into pieces. But I still managed to compose myself, at the end of that school year, I was already liking somebody else.  

8th and 9th year

I was still liking this other guy but whenever I see you, there's still that spark, there's still that place, your place in my heart that no one can ever replace. I was also greeting you whenever your birthday comes, that's just our conversation, wasn't it?

10th year

Because of the pandemic, it was mandated that this school year would be modular or online, I remembered how I asked you if we were in the same section, and when we realized this, we were both happy with the reunion. I loved how we were chatting about school works and it felt so good to talk to you again. There was still a spark but then I never focused on it because I still like that other guy.

11th year

You left our province and went to a big city with your family. It wasn't a big deal for me that time 'cause again, I was still into that other guy.

12th year and hope the last year

You came back. I never knew how much I missed you until I saw you again. You were much more handsome the last time I saw you. I thought I moved on from you and the spark that I was still feeling is just because I liked you for how many years now but I'm wrong.

I liked so many guys after you, I even had some mutual understanding, but why don't they come on your level? Why do I always come back to you?

I even encountered a question wherein it says "If all the guys you've loved were inside a room, whom would you always pick?". Well, guess what, your name was what my heart was screaming for. How did I get into this? How did I become crazy about you again?

I was in denial at first and I seriously gaslighted myself that I moved on from you ultimately but then how?

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?

How can I move on if every time we see each other, you call my name?

How can I move on when you would offer me a seat the moment you saw me get inside the church?

How can I move on when your smile melts the ice I've created in my heart so that I won't fall for you again?

How can I move on when you're so good to me?

I was so delusional about thinking that somehow you've liked me already after all these years. That's why I've confessed again. This time, not with lyrics but with words full of admiration from the bottom of my heart. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

You never liked me at all.

I thought you'd already like me this time but it turns out we just got close but your feelings never changed. You were just happy about our friendship.

But it was also a lesson for me, it answered the questions I was bottling up since then. Thank you for the happy moments though. I was really happy about the interactions we had. I may have acted like I'm angry at you after the confession but that's just my coping mechanism to move on from you once again.

I don't know if what I felt was love but I think, I loved you--I still love you. But I hope this will end now because I don't want to keep hurting myself. I hope this will be the last chapter.

Thank you really, thank you so much, R.

*****

Silent publish haha