𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐓 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐒, criminal minds

chapter fourteen

act one ━━━━ chapter fourteen
THE ECHOES WHISPER

tw : self-harm mentions & addiction

❝ EVERYONE'S FIGHTING A BATTLE YOU
 CAN'T SEE. WE ALL HAVE BLIND SPOTS. ❞

Elena figured that the pit in her stomach wold eventually go away, it had to at some point. That endless worrying for her entire team, for Alicia, for Maya, for every innocent person in the entire world. But in all truth, she believed that it would never, ever go away. Her chest always hurt, it was this uncomfortable tight feeling that made her feel uneasy all the time. Sometimes, it got so bad that she physically couldn't breathe, like something had clogged up in her somewhere and it was proving impossible for any air to pump threw her system. 

And most mornings, she struggled to find the energy to get out of bed. Depression is an old friend to Elena Martinez. When she's in it, it's the worst feeling in the world, but when she's not, it's euphoric and she feels like she could do anything with her life. It's the same feeling of remembering what a room looks like and actually walking threw the door. Being inside it again. Feeling it. Whenever her episodes start, it can be slow. An intrusive thought, or a triggering event that starts a brief period of depression but it goes away after a while. 

But when it hits her fully, when she's really in it, it's everything. It is who she is, nothing else. On the outside, she always looks the same, smiling and pretending is so much work, but inside it's a different story. She starts to hate herself. She feels so alone, so unbelievably alone. And she can be with someone she loves dearly, but still feel that way, like she's not really with them. Everyone thinks they know what's going on with her, but they don't. They don't know what goes on in her head. They just don't care. 

Everyone always fighting a battle you can't see. 

Elena walks down the corridor, beside JJ, one file tucked under the blondes arm and a slight smile turned up at the corner of her mouth whenever someone says their good evening in the short passing. Marty doesn't feel like herself. She knows that it is her but it's something wrong with her, and it's so exhausting. So goddamn shitty and exhausting, and it's helpless. It's a void in her stomach, and existing takes so much energy, she wants to sink into a hole of nothing where no one talks to her, she doesn't have to smile or to just... be. 

It's familiar. It's comfort. It's home. And a lot of the time, home is dark. Home is not warm, home is not comfort or full of life, home is hell. And if anyone knows that, it's Elena Marie Alicia Martinez. 

The darkness in the early night sky is mirroring how Elena's world feels, her body surrounded by that darkness. Everyone else sees everything with a vibrant colour, her world is dull and lifeless, how she feels. How she looks. 

Following JJ into the conference room, Martinez blinks tiredly, her eyes finding Spencer in the sea of her colleagues, her friends. He's sat at the circular table, fingers placed together, wearing the same washed expression. Reid just gave her a nod of acknowledgement as she took a seat, sitting in a vacant chair. It's been two months since he was kidnapped, and Elena knows that there's something not right with him, he knows there's something not right with her, but neither have the energy or the capacity to care for each others struggles.