Finding him

Florence.

I walked home from my visit to the hospital, I'm spending another night knowing. He's not here with me, knowing he's in pain and I'm perfectly fine. I take the long way to the apartment that we'd rented out together. We'd worked so hard to save up enough for the first 3 months rent, the third month was coming to an end and I barely had enough saved up.
I arrived at the flat after a 20 minute walk and head to my apartment. I walk through the front door and stared at the basic living room and open kitchen, I walked through to the bedroom and slumped in corner of my room "you can't go on like this" he'd said to me the last time he'd woken up, "You need to take control of your life and not let this situation control you", his words were imprinted in my mind because I knew he was right. I knew I couldn't stay like this forever but it's the fact that I can't move on and live with the guilt of me being perfectly fine and him bedridden. He was right I needed to get my life together, maybe make a move find a new apartment, thinking about stuff like that made me feel like I'd given up hope and that I'd maybe accepted the fact that he isn't making it. A new apartment would certainly help me not to be filled with all these memories of him maybe just maybe it was for the best.

I walk to the bathroom and fill up the bathtub with water, the cabinet under the sink basin was still filled with all his stuff. I had to get back on my feet if he was going to wake up I'd have to be ready right, I can't count how many days I'd been out of work.
There I was doing it again fixing my life again not for me but for him, getting myself together for him.
Your see we met about two years ago, I had just dropped out of university to pursue my dreams of business and obviously my father was not happy about me changing my degree to business he wasn't up for paying or funding anything. I struggled funding my education alone but eventually I came to the conclusion I couldn't. I decided to leave home my mother had passed three years before and my father had left her while I was in college he sent money occasionally but slowly reduced in his generosity as I grew up, I decided to move in with my friend Molly.
I'd known her for years we stayed together for a couple of months I took up a course in babysitting and got a decent job to earn some money. When I'd saved up enough I moved to Dublin and got an apartment there and it was here I'd met him.

When I met him it seemed like fate he went to the gym down the street from my house, for months on end I'd go to that same gym and we'd see each other but never once spoke to one another. I guess I don't really remember how we ended up together to be honest , it was never really made official I just knew I   Loved him like I'd never loved anyone, but then again how would I know! He was the only person I'd been in a working relationship with. After your mother dies all relationships seemed destined to fail, I've never needed anyone, never wanted or hoped for family or kids until him.
I trusted him to stay and he's left, he's gone he may not even come back to reality anytime soon. I can't sit and wallow in self pity because for all I know " oh what do I know" I sigh  to myself
Sinking in my bubble bath I decide not to visit the hospital tomorrow.